Montana GOP Chair Resigns, Blames ‘Blabbermouth’ Trump

Disgraced MT-GOP Chair Jeffrey Beauregard Essmann

By Lance Grider

Jeff Essmann, Chairman of the Montana Republican Party abruptly resigned last month, citing a controversial new gaffe made by “that blabbermouth Donald Trump.”

“That’s it for the Montana Republican Party. We’re dead,” Essmann admitted to Little Big Town MT.

But the boner Essmann credits with damaging his party is not Trump’s latest howler, made May 10th at the White House, when he dimwittedly revealed classified information to a roomful of high-ranking Russian spies.

Instead, Essmann says the damage came in late March, when Trump discovered that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. “Does anyone know that? (A) lot of people don’t know that,” Trump told his usual discombobulated fan club.

That information was kept top-secret by the Montana Republican Party for well over a century, said Essmann.

“If the rank and file of our people realize that Abraham Lincoln—a liberal who freed human slaves—was a Republican, Montanans won’t vote for another Republican in a hundred years.

“We’d managed to keep that a secret for so long, like forever. Now that big mouth has spilled the beans.”

 

Montana GOPpers kept the legend of Abraham Lincoln HIDDEN for over 100 years–until Trump!

 

Speaker of the Montana House Austin Knudsen, echoed Essmann’s bleak assessment of his party’s future. He too blamed the inexperienced and bombastic New York entrepreneur.

“It isn’t Jeff’s fault that the party’s future is stinko. It’s that damned Trump! He shoots from the hip. Right at his own mouth.”

Former MMA wrestler Greg Gianforte, usurper of Montana’s sole congressional seat, admitted Trump’s announcement caught him unprepared.

“Donald Trump has the brain of a goldfish. He knows nothing about American history. He’s never read a book–not even the ones with his names on them. He fires any Poindexter who does. How could he have found out Lincoln was a Republican?”

Speaker Knudsen agreed, asking “Who told him? Who? You know, he’s actually a Democrat.”

Gianforte admitted he has special reasons to despise the Railsplitter.

“Abraham Lincoln sent a gang of federal gun-grabbers to steal my great-grandfather’s guns. They stole everything else too, even the human slaves my great-grandpappy owned. Why? Because it was 1920?” explained Gianforte. “The slaves didn’t even need the Yankees to do anything except remove their chains. They watched the Yankee troops march down the road, and they all ran away as soon as supper was over.

“So I know all about suffering at the hands of liberals like Rob Quist and Abraham Lincoln.”

Our Dear Leader Donald Trump summons forth the essence of Abu bin Lincoln

CANNIBAL DER FUROR PLANS TO EAT MEXICANS (Update)

‘Salsa Solution’ Cheaper than Building Walls guesses Der Furor

Donald Trump prefers human flesh

Der Furor  demands you look at the size of his meat! It’s yuge!

 

Willkommen bei allen neuen deutschen Freunden von PI.net! Hier bei www.littlebigtownmt.com finden Sie eine neue unabhängige Stimme, halten Sie informiert mit allen Segen der amerikanischen Geschenk an die Welt der freien Rede! Unser Land das letzte Geschenk an die Welt ist Präsident Donald Trump (Der Furor) ! Ich weiß, er sieht einfach-minded, verlogen und unehrlich, aber lassen Sie sich nicht davon täuschen. Er wird Sie von der Pussy in kürzester Zeit packen! Bleiben Sie Angstfrei!

 

This is crazy I know, but I’m hearing from a lot of places that Der Furor is a cannibal.

Now, I don’t want to believe this. In fact, I’m saying right now it’s not true. But a lot of people I know are saying that Der Furor is a cannibal. I’ve spoken to investigators and psychiatrists and reliable media people like Alex Jones, people who really know, and they’re all talking about it. Someone needs to look into this, they really do. After all, we have as much proof as anything Der Furor says.

Look, he had all these people running against him for president, where are they? Where are they now? Remember when he had 10, 15, 20 goofballs running against him to be on top of that GOP totem pole, where are they? Where are they now, do you see any of them?

No you don’t because he ate them. Der Furor ate 20, 30 guys running against him for president. It’s crazy. It’s crazy, I know. But that’s what I’m hearing.

Why isn’t Der Furor in jail for eating people? Why isn’t he on Rikers Island, that nasty place in New York City where all those Law & Order cops stash their bad guys, it’s really nasty I hear. He deserves to be there folks he really does, he’s a bad dude.

But you will never see the Republican controlled congress put Der Furor on trial and send him to prison for cannibalism, it’ll never happen, it’s a complete scam. Why? Why?

The National Enquirer, they ran a story about Der Furor munching on a kid he picked out of an L.A. crowd once, a little Hispanic kid, he threw his parents a couple of pesos, but you can’t find it anywhere. Why? Have you ever asked yourself why you cannot find any stories about Der Furor eating children?

Have you ever asked yourself why you cannot find any stories about Der Furor eating children?

Because Der Furor is a rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich guy. But not as rich as he and the kids are gonna be.

That’s why you’ll never read about it, except here, on Little Bigtown MT. All those other media places, they’re scared. All they care about is money. They don’t care if Putin’s Puppet eats people.

He admitted it to the whole world back on Cinco de Mayo – “I love to eat Hispanics!” What do you suppose was in that taco bowl? Who was in that taco bowl is what you should ask.

 

I LOVE TO EAT HISPANICS brags Trump

“I Love Hispanics–They’re delicious”

 

GOPpers don’t care if he eats Mexican-Americans. They don’t care if he eats grandpas. They don’t care if he eats grandmas. They don’t care if he eats babies. Oy yoy yoy, the man eats human babies! And nobody cares. Nobody does anything! Here, Tweet us, don’t eat us Mein Furor. What a feedbag.

 

UPDATE: TRUMP INVITES FELLOW CANNIBAL DUTERTE TO CHEW THE FAT

 

Der Furor recently invited gourmet dictator Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte to foul the nation’s home, the White House. Der Furor admires Duterte’s style of “leadership” and hopes to pick up some ‘table tips.’

 

 Who farted?

                    Who farted? He did!

Donald Trump foretold in Biblical Prophecy – The Unjust Steward

What kind of a Man Cheats Little Children? This kind.

We’ll have a fabulous war with North Korea, huge!

By Lance Grider

The parable of the Unjust Steward is found at the beginning of Luke 16 and it goes like this:

Jesus told his disciples:

There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be my manager any longer.’

The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg—  I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’

So he called in each one of his master’s debtors. He asked the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’

‘Nine hundred gallons of olive oil,’ he replied.

The manager told him, ‘Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred and fifty.’

Then he asked the second, ‘And how much do you owe?’

‘A thousand bushels of wheat,’ he replied.

He told him, ‘Take your bill and make it eight hundred.’

The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light.  (NIV)

To sum up: A successful businessman tells his manager he’s going to fire him – but not until later, when he comes back from Cabo San Lucas or wherever. Until then, the manager figures that by cheating his boss, he’ll suck up to the boss’s creditors.

When he returns, instead of fireworks from his double-crossed boss, instead of punching him like a good entrepreneur, the guy shakes his hand and congratulates him. He’s a good businessman — he knows how to cheat people.

It’s an odd notion of profit that was fabulously popular in the Roman era. It assumes business deals involve two sides–a winner and a loser. You can find examples of merchants being cast as crooks are all over the Bible. They are also easy to find in contemporary Roman writers like Pliny the Younger. If you made a profit on a deal it was because you cheated someone. Adam Smith‘s labor theory of value, the notion that objects gain value through exchange and work, is seventeen centuries in the future.

Weirdly, there are people in the world today who hold this ancient if irrational prejudice. One of them is the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.

For the real Donald J. Trump (Der Furor), you’re either a winner or a loser. His business ideal and heathen idol is not John Galt, it is Mr. Haney of Green Acres. You don’t have customers, you have suckers.

That’s why Der Furor had no problem cheating three little girls. In January 2016, three cute little moppets calling themselves “America’s Freedom Kids” danced their way onto one of Trump’s braunschweiger rallies. Trump’s management promised to pay them $2,500. They didn’t get it. Instead, they were told they could sell their cutie-pie merchandise. But they didn’t get to do that either.

Last July their manager finally gave up and decided, like so many other Der Furor debtors, he had to file a lawsuit.

Is it really any wonder that Der Furor would cheat three little girls? He cheated on all three of his wives.

 

Mr. Haney didn’t have customers, he had suckers.

 

Der Furor rules America by a slim plurality, 40 percent. Twenty-five percent are his foundation votes, Dittoheads, who will only vote for rich white males. He recruited a deciding 15 percent more, voters less politically involved, just still looking for hope and change. Joe and Jo Threekids, who just want a decent job and strong economy. They have yet to realize that, like Der Furor told the surprised workers of Carrier, all his talk about jobs was just a ‘euphenism‘.  He’s starting trade wars and building byootyful walls. That’s it. That’s all he knows what to do. It didn’t work for him, why would it work for president him? Buyer’s remorse looms across the land, at least that’s the loomer I’ve heard.

Der Furor thinks he’s the winner in the deal with America. Everyone else is the loser.

Slavoj Žižek Explains Why the Pervert President Trump Matters

The world-famous psychoanalytical philosopher explains to Little Big Town Montana why Donald Trump must mean something

 

Slavoj Žižek (slav-voy ziz-shack) is a psychoanalytic philosopher, critic, and Hegelian Marxist. He is a senior researcher at the Institute for Sociology and Philosophy at the University of Ljubljana, Slovenia (formally part of Yugoslavia), teaches German at New York University, and is international director of the Birkbeck Institute for the Humanities at the University of London. This is his first essay for Little Big Town Montana.

 

By Slavoj Žižek

Special to Little Big Town Montana

 

Donald ‘Der Furor’ Trump is the ultimate pervert artist. He doesn’t give you what you desire – he tells you how to desire.

The problem for Trump is not are our desires satisfied or not. The problem is how does Trump know what we desire.

The one measure of Trump’s true love is: he can insult the other. Trump feels free because he lacks the very language to articulate his unfreedom.

Trump’s words are never ‘only words’; they matter because they define the contours of what he can do ­– just like Trump Pants!

When Trump is shown scenes of starving children in Africa, with a call for him to do something to help them, he understands that the underlying ideological message is something like: “Don’t think, don’t politicize, forget about the true causes of their poverty, just act, talk about contributing money, so that you will not have to think!”  Trump stands the unmoved mover, he always says its gum on his shoes.

If Trump has reasons to love someone, he doesn’t love them.

The readiness to not assume the guilt for the threats to the environment is deceptively reassuring. Trump knows we like to be guilty since, if we are guilty, it all depends on him. Suckers! Trump knows we pull the strings of catastrophe, but we save ourselves simply by changing our lives or maybe our linen.

Philosopher Zizek

What is bigly hard for Trump to accept is when he is reduced to the role of a passive observer who sits and watches what fate will be. To avoid this impotence, he engages in frantic, obsessive activities. He recycles old tweets, he buys new stuff, then sells it for profit or loss, he installs long-lasting light bulbs at Mar-A-Lago—a fabulous resort in a gorgeous Florida setting you should really look into—just so he can say he is doing a deal.

Trump makes his Presidential contribution like the football fan who supports his team in front of a TV screen at home, shouting and jumping from his seat, knowing the power of a president who is always right will influence the game’s outcome.

For Trump, love feels like a great misfortune, a monstrous parasite, a permanent state of emergency that ruins all small pleasures.  That explains Ivana anyway.

For Der Furor, humanity is okay, but 99 percent of people are boring idiots. Am I right or what?

Because the horror of liberalism, Hillary Clinton, is not that bad people do bad things — they always do. It’s that good people do horrible things thinking they are doing something great. It worked last November anyway.

Trump’s attitudes towards the other are characterized both by ignorance for otherness, rejection of them, and an obsessive fear of harassment. In short, the other is welcomed insofar as its presence is not intrusive, insofar as it is not really the other. Tolerance thus coincides with its opposite. Trump’s duty to be tolerant towards the other effectively means that he should not get too close to him or her, not intrude into their space—in short, that I should respect his intolerance towards my not having a 737. This is increasingly emerging as the central human right of advanced capitalist society: the right not to be ‘harassed’, that is, to be kept at a safe distance from others.

Der Furor’s true ethical test is not only the readiness to save victims, but also – even more, perhaps – the ruthless dedication to annihilating those who made them victims. Gary Busey told me that. It might have been Meatloaf.

The fact that a cloud from a minor volcanic eruption in Iceland—a small disturbance in the complex mechanism of life on the Earth—can bring to a standstill the aerial traffic over an entire continent is a reminder of how, with all its power to transform nature, humankind remains just another species on the planet Earth and that for Trump, volcanoes are the real cause of global warming.

Trump is extremely romantic. You know what is his fear? His postmodern, permissive, pragmatic etiquette towards sex. It’s horrible. He claims sex is healthy; it’s good for the heart, for blood circulation, it relaxes him. He even goes into how kissing is also good because it develops the muscles here – this is horrible, my God! It’s no longer that absolute passion. Trump likes this idea of sex as part of love, you know: ‘I’m ready to sell your mother into slavery just to fuck you Ivanka.’ There is something nice, transcendent, about it. He remains incurably romantic.

Der Furor told me a story. Once, a Russian FBG officer visited Jackson Pollock in his Jackson Pollock Hole, Wyoming, studio during the First Needless Mideast War. There he saw Drip No. 5 and, shocked at the modernist ‘chaos’ of the painting, asked Jackson: “Did you do this?” Jackson calmly replied: “No, Hillary Clinton did this.”  I’m pretty sure he made that up.

As soon as Trump renounces fiction and illusion, he loses reality itself; the moment he subtracts fictions from reality, reality itself loses its discursive-logical consistency.

The liberal idea of tolerance is more and more a kind of intolerance. What it means is ‘Leave me alone; don’t harass me; I’m intolerant towards your over-proximity.”

Nowadays, Trump can do anything that he wants—anal, oral, fisting—but he needs to be wearing gloves, condoms, protection. Thank you Obamacare!

What for Trump is the Absolute? Something that appears to him in fleeting experiences–say, through the gentle smile of a beautiful woman before he swallows a Tic Tac, or even through the warm caring smile of a person who may otherwise seem ugly and fat. Think Rosie. In such miraculous but extremely fragile moments, another dimension transpires through his reality. As such, the Absolute is easily corroded; it slips all too easily through Trump’s fingers and must be handled as carefully as a butterfly.

What about animals slaughtered for Trump’s consumption? who among us would be able to continue eating pork chops after visiting a factory farm in which pigs are half-blind and cannot even properly walk, but are just fattened to be killed? Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump. And what about, say, torture and suffering of millions we know about, but choose to ignore? Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump. Imagine the effect of having to watch a snuff movie portraying what goes on thousands of times a day around the world: brutal acts of torture, the picking out of eyes, the crushing of testicles -the list cannot bear recounting. Would the watcher be able to continue going on as usual? Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump. Yes, but only if he or she were able somehow to forget -in an act which suspended symbolic efficiency -what had been witnessed. His forgetting entails a gesture of what is called fetishist disavowal: “I know it, but I don’t want to know that I know, so I don’t know.” I know it, but I refuse to fully assume the consequences of this knowledge, so that I can continue acting as if I don’t know it.” Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump.

Trump is a good Hegelian. If you have a good theory, forget about the reality.

Do not blame people and their attitudes: the problem is not corruption or greed, the problem is the system that pushes Trump to be corrupt. The solution is not, “Main Street, not Wall Street,” but to change the system so Main Street cannot function without Trump Tower.

 

Trump is a good Hegelian. If you have a good theory, forget about the reality

 

Beyond the fiction of reality, there is the banality of the Bannon.

Der Furor has no problems violating his own insights in practice.

Words are murder of a thing, not only in the elementary sense of implying its absence – by naming a thing, we treat it as absent, as dead, although it is still present – but above all in the sense of its radical dissection: the word ‘quarters’ the thing, it tears it out of the embedment in its concrete context, it treats its component parts as entities with an autonomous existence: we speak about color, form, shape, etc., as if they possessed self-sufficient being. Disaster.

In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of illness. In the typical French toilet, on the contrary, the hole is at the back, i.e. shit is supposed to disappear as quickly as possible. Finally, the American toilet presents a synthesis, a mediation between these opposites: the toilet basin is full of water, so that the shit floats in it, visible, but not to be inspected. […] It is clear that none of these versions can be accounted for in purely utilitarian terms: each involves a certain ideological perception of how the subject should relate to excrement. Hegel was among the first to see in the geographical triad of Germany, France and England an expression of three different existential attitudes: reflective thoroughness (German), revolutionary hastiness (French), utilitarian pragmatism (English). In political terms, this triad can be read as German conservatism, French revolutionary radicalism and English liberalism. […] The point about toilets is that they enable us not only to discern this triad in the most intimate domain, but also to identify its underlying mechanism in the three different attitudes towards excremental excess: an ambiguous contemplative fascination; a wish to get rid of it as fast as possible; a pragmatic decision to treat it as ordinary and dispose of it in an appropriate way. It is easy for an academic at a round table to claim that we live in a post-ideological universe, but the moment he visits the lavatory after the heated discussion, he is again knee-deep in ideology. Think Trump dump, see Trump dump.

Happiness was never important. The problem is that Trump doesn’t know what he really wants. What makes him happy is not to get what he wants but to brag about it. Happiness is for opportunists. So I think that the only life of deep satisfaction is a life of eternal struggle, especially struggle on one of your 18 golf courses around the world. If you want to remain happy, just remain stupid. And, like the song says, never make a pretty woman your wife. Authentic masters are never happy; happiness is a category of slaves.

Gianforte Vows Billions for ‘Schwarzeneggergate”

Schwarzenegger takes aim at rich but puny Bozeman target

Gianforte can’t wait to get cheat tips from Trump University himself.

 

BOZEMAN – Montana congressional candidate Greg Gianforte vows to spend “$50 to $60 billion dollars, whatever it takes” for Congress to investigate whether Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired or quit The Apprentice.

“My president, Donald Trump, knows it’s important, so I know it’s important. Montana knows it’s important. Or they will after I spent a couple million dollars on ads about it.”

President Donald Trump has repeatedly Tweeted about Schwarzenegger and his “failed” performance on the TV program created for Trump.

“Back in Jersey we would say Mr. Trump is ‘cheesed off.’ It’s obviously very important to him, a matter of pride, and why not? He invented that show to trick suckers into thinking he was still a ‘successful businessman.’ After the way he cheated thousands of average Americans out of their money, when he went bankrupt running those casinos in Atlantic City? And the suckers bought it again! Amazing!” laughed the evil Bozeman genius.

Gianforte said he was attracted to Montana in the 1980s, after he watched his father cheat a Martinsdale Hutterite farmer out of his cows for a handful of “magic beans.” He spent years studying the state, finally concluding that Montanans were the most gullible people in America.

“Montanans has a long history of being played for a sucker. I learned that reading about the Anaconda Company days. These squareheads want and deserve to have a champion who will always be on the side of billionaires. It’s time to give the power back to men of wealth and means. Like me!

“Look, Montana may not like this, but it’s time for Americans to put money first. I’ll tell them we’re getting Washington out of the way so our economy can prosper rich guys like me, and high-paying jobs can be created for my kids, not some trucker’s kids, and greater opportunities can exist to dump crap into Montana’s rivers, streams and trailer parks.

“But our Montana way of life will always be protected against The Terminator!”

Gianforte acknowledged that he and Trump had met last week to discuss plans for the state and country once Gianforte slicks his way into Ryan Zinke’s seat.

“President Trump and I discussed a lot of things. The need to repeal Obamacare. The need to investigate Obama’s illegal and sick wiretapping. The need to end Medicaid and Medicare, Social Security, and America’s most sacred cow of socialism, the Department of Agriculture.

“It’s a busy agenda, I admit, but [Schwarzeneggergate] has to be a priority. It’s gonna be my priority, anyway.”

But like his hero Trump, Gianforte, who spent most of his life in New Jersey, promises that he has “no intention of keeping his promises.”

Except to Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Hey, terminator. I promise—You, ya putz, will not be back!”

 

Amoral Narcissist Stuns Nation by Not Shitting on Floor of Congress

The Bone Spur Brigade (Center)

 

The Amoral Narcissist who now inhabits the office of Barack Obama, Ronald Reagan, John F. Kennedy, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, Donald “Jackass” Trump stunned the nation last February 28 when he refrained from unbelting his fashionable bespoke Chinese pants and shitting on the floor of Congress like the bored bonobo monkey he most frequently resembles. Astonished members of Congress were quick to praise the pathological liar and popular vote loser for acting the way normal, decent people always behave.

“I had bet $50 that he would drop trou and squeeze out a tootsie roll in the first minute,” said Paul Ryan (R-McCarthyite Wisconsin), Speaker of the House of Representatives. “I mean, Breitbart.com basically told us that’s what Washington needs. What self-control!”

“I was whelmed,” admitted Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-CSA),. “I thought I spotted his butt-tocks briefly, but it was only Rush Limbaugh greeting Stephen Miller.

Members of the sycophant press were delighted to be asked their shallow, worthless opinions.

“Once again, President Jackass displayed a remarkable unpredictability,” said Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends. “He was amazing. He managed to make it through a whole 88 minutes without insulting a single woman, or grabbing anyone’s vagina, or calling a woman Pocahontas. He hasn’t done any of that for a week now.”

Still, there remain plenty of reasons to be skeptical about any Kafkaesque metamorphosis of our national disgrace.

President Jackass is still an amoral narcissist. He is still a pathological liar. He still cheats children out of their wages. He is still suspected of being secretly owned by Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, as his hidden taxes will reveal.

President Jackass is still completely ignorant of nearly every skill needed to be an effective leader. He just discovered this week that healthcare reform is hard. Who knew that, except for millions of us grown-ups?

Still, he managed to promise $54 billion in expensive and unnecessary spending on a military that no one wants, including the military. He still managed to promise our economy will grow by building walls against trade and peoples, and by arbitrarily imposing special taxes on American companies who defy him. He still managed to encourage Americans to dwell in hatred and fear.

And he still hasn’t apologized to former President Barack Obama for lying about his birth certificate for five years.

All in all, the stink is still in the rug.

Montana Milisha Defents Agin Mooslums or Meksikins

By State Senator Cary L. Smith, R-Billings SD27

Special to Little Big Town MT

Recetnly I innerdooced a bill in the Montana legislator LC546  to arm and unnyform a Montana State Milisha. A lot of fokes is mad at me but they shudn’t be.

The milisha will only be called to defend Montanans in case of Mooslums or Meksikins. The ordernary Montaner guy or gal will prolly never have to serve. Only a libtard wuld object to defending his er her home and famly!!!!!!

Fokes is mostly mad that I want taxpayar munny to buy the unnyforms. Don’t lekchur ME about munney! This is about GUNS and why God$-feerin handsome gents like me PROTEK MY FAMLY!!!!!!

Unnyforms you need to hep you know who your frend er ennyme is. Who is Abner and who is Abdool can be clear impoortunt in the smoke & haze & noize of battul. I know, I bin thar menny times. In my past lifes I was a soljer in the Roamin armies, a meedevil night with a big damn ol’ shinny sward, a rascally Brigtish fightin lord fightin the Frenchies at Watterloo whilst fondling them Frenchy frawlines, and yes, even a US Calvryman under that idjit Genral Geo. Custer. [It took Crazy Horse hisseff to clim down off his ponny to whup me!!! Mebbe I’ll tell that storry later.]

Well ennyway to sum up short I think most Montanens support more fellers like me with GUNS!!!! Like I said, I rekon we wuld only be calt on to fight Mooslums or Meksicans. SEMPUR FIGT!

Hey! My City Councilman is a Moonie! How About Yours?

Billings Ward 1 Councilman Mike Yakawich

Billings Ward 1 Councilman Mike Yakawich

 

Well, one of them anyway. Ward 1 Councilman Mike Yakawich is a bona fide card-carrying member of the Unification Church, better known as the “Moonies,” in honor of their founder and savior, the late Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

My other Ward 1 councilman, Brent Cromley, is probably a Lutheran or a Catholic or a Baptist or something. Meh.

Mr. Cromley voted for the recent Non Discrimination Ordinance in Billings. Mr. Yakawich voted against it.

This strikes me as odd, since Pastor Mike belongs to a controversial sect who believe they are a persecuted minority.

Originally called the “Holy Spirit Association for the Unification of World Christianity,” the cult’s church’s present formal name is the “Family Federation for World Peace and Unification.”

Moonies became notorious in the 1970s and 1980s through their odd public behaviors, which including clouds of teenagers aggressively panhandling. In addition there mass weddings, where thousands of complete strangers were assigned a life partner after they were “celestially chosen” for each other by the Rev. Moon, that is.

Moon became notorious for how he made money: By exploiting children, many of them homeless, in the US and Europe, but especially in Asia.

Moonies believes Jesus Christ was a nice guy but a failure. He failed to get himself a wife and have a family. Instead he got himself crucified to forgive everybody’s sins. What a loser.

Luckily, members of the Unification Church believe Father Moon is the second coming of Christ.

After all, like Jesus on the cross he suffered too. And not some measly three days on the cross, but 13 months in the federal pokey for tax evasion.

It seems odd that someone who belongs to such a controversial cult church should have the stones to throw at others people’s lifestyles.  But this is Billings and we don’t discriminate?

More importantly, we should discriminate between good and bad.

Major Dan Miller – Man, Myth, or Mope?

IMG_0295

That’s not just any grumpy 80-year-old on the radio– its Billings ‘character’ Major Dan Miller!

 

 The oral octagenarian is about as ‘politically incorrect’ as Rush Limbaugh in a Speedo

 

For better than 50 years he’s labored to become a Billings character. Still, many wonder: Who is ‘Major’ Dan Miller, a man, a myth –– or a mope?

Like all heroes, Major Miller is too humble for his own brags. Well, not really. But to keep it polite, others voices should step forward to testify. So let’s roll.

Man, woman and child, many peoples delight to the Major in small, bite-size chunks. He can be a winsome cicerone to the American treasury of memory-makers and heart-tuggers, those golden oldies from the mid ’50s to early ‘60s, the early era of rock and roll. Back in the Days,  when teenagers in love strolled through the whimsical lanes of doo-wop, shimmy-bop, and ring ting tang, chaperoned by beats from Tin Pan Alley.

On both his 5-hour Saturday morning radio show and a canned community access Channel 7 TV show, we hear that Voice. No ma’am, that isn’t Rush Limbaugh’s skinnier brother,  not even Sean Hannity‘s uninquisitive doppelganger, it’s Daniel George Miller of Billings Montana, playing the character he honed in his crackerbarrel days of the 1960’s and 70’s. In them days, media in the Magic City meant six or seven radio stations on the AM dial and two television stations. as KOOK (!) Radio’s favorite deejay. Back then, Magic City media meant six or seven radio stations on the AM dial.

[Historically, only fellow puppet Froggy Doo approaches The Major’s status as local legend.  Sadly, the Doo’s reputation never recovered from the hit it took a decade ago when he came out in support of the Taliban, a subject Miller wisely avoids.]

 

New Froggy solo

Taliban faux pas: Celebrated Billings ’60s icon Froggy Doo

(((Somewhere on the Internets it says Miller was awarded the brevet rank of major in the ’60s after taking a bullet meant for his commanding officer, Col. Harlan Sanders of Kentucky, while serving in Viet Nam. Details remain sketchy, but they were probably serving fried chicken.)))

It’s the era that makes the music of course, and the nascent rock music of the ’50s to early ’60s was mostly about being happy. Who wouldn’t want to hear that? Not that hip hop or rap is incapable of being Happy, but they’re mostly about fighting or fucking, like Country music, and those two pastimes don’t always get you to the first. So a doo wop Saturday should sound enticing.

But after playing virtually the same music for six decades, beginning at the now-defunct KOOK (!) Radio, the Major is stripped bare. Like most other Deejays, he’s come to the conclusion that his audience doesn’t need music, it  needs his advice. It needs the advice of an uneducated, anti-intellectual intellect to guard against tyranny – mostly the tyranny of facts.

I recall one head-slapping gaffe on a Saturday morning when the Major boldly announced how little he cared for the distinction between Annette Funicello and Shelley Fabares. “Didn’t she used to be a Mouseketeer or something?” he wondered after he had played 1962’s Johnny Angel. “Oh well, whatever.”

Begging your pardon Mr. Major sir, but the Mouseketeer was Annette, who had three pop hits, not one, and who was the wholesome onesy-filling star of Beach Blanket Bozo, etc., with fellow teenybopper idol Frankie Avalon.

Johnny was the angel whisper of Shelley Fabares, our dream girl from The Donna Reed Show who participated in three of the 31 curses of YHWH inflicted on man known as “Elvis Movies.”

But facts hold no bars to the Major, they’re only potholes on the Route 66 of life. Why recollect facts on file about girl singers just because you’ve played their songs for nearly 60 years?

Route 666 sign

Still, some remain frustrated by the Major’s ways and means. In this wondrous era of Wikipedia and the Internet, this great Googly gift from Mr. Gore, arcane information is easily accessed. The Major hints he has the ability to tap on a computer, why doesn’t he exploit it? Beats me one replies, and so they do.

Example: Miller regularly plays the Kalin Twins, teenage twins and one-hit wonders whose snappy 1958 hit When sold two million copies worldwide, reaching number five in the U.S. and going all the way to number one in England. Cheated out of their money and poorly handled, the duo abandoned the music business, yet defiantly led successful and happy lives until their eerie deaths almost exactly one year apart in 2005 and 2006, aged 71 and 72. The Major could direct his listeners to a marvelous YouTube video of a 1989 British concert when British pop idol Cliff Richard, their former opening act, invited the pair to perform a raucous and happy rendition of their sole hit to a cheering crowd of 100,000 (!) fans in Wembley Stadium.

He could, but he won’t. Here the Major stands, more he cannot do.

The Internet offers up a bounty of tales and trivia to pass along, some of it even true. Instead of digging into this mine, the Major coughs up a few hairballs about Connie Francis. Thus we conclude sadly that the Major does not groove to the happy tunes he plays. Griping about the government and taxes toots his ocarina.

Some say the hatred of government so many Radical Republicans prefer is hatred of democracy, even society, itself. Some point out that anyone complaining about elected representatives being incompetent or crooked should run for office themselves or else self-government doesn’t work.

 

Miller’s hatred of government is hatred of democracy itself

 

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself,” Plato reminds us in The Republic. But not Major Miller. Fie on democracy! Fee on self-determination and fum on your fancy new ball park! We are not men who share, as Rabbi Jesus commands. We are New Men, we believe selfishness is a virtue, as taught by The Unsaviour, Ayn Rand and Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell and Steve Bannon. Take that, you immigrant-loving liberal Jesus!

What kind of a jerk thinks that self-government might work. We need the wealthy to tell us what to do! They’re smart, that’s why they’re rich. The government is like a business, it should make someone rich so they can tell us what to do. Well why not cut to the chase and go back to having kings. They must be way smarter since they’ve been richer way longer.

“The government! Oh my stars! Don’t get me going on the government,” laments the Major routinely.

Once Miller confided to Constant Listeners his loathing for Honest Abe Lincoln because “he invented the income tax.” This is why, when our philosopher-king ends his programs with schmaltz, his patriotism is unconvincing. What kind of a patriot despises the man who saved the United States of America from its worst enemy, its bizarro imitator, the self-destructive slave-holding evil empire, the Confederate States of America? A dumb one.

Replies Major Dan with a shrug, “I guess that’s what makes the world go round.”

I heard it said in one city pub that the Major’s contempt for self-government began with his successful 1988 lawsuit against his former employer KOOK Radio. Did collecting a cool half mil, then finding out he still had to pay taxes on it turn him against democracy?

What outrage! What injustice! Why should I hand my money over to the gumamint for courts and cops and nice roads and good schools and wholesome community baseball parks when some else conveniently says I don’t have to? Like many cheapskates (hereabouts, anyway) the Major’s religious zeal is less conviction than Old Fart instinct.

We all know the Major’s go-to targets: former President Obama, Democrats, progressives, Muslims, minorities, and poor people–especially if they speak out. But his nemesis, his Lex Luthor, is former Vice President Al Gore.

As all dittoheads know, global climate change is a fraud owned by Al Gore, and why? Because he’s “made millions off that film of his!” (Capitalism, boo!) Following that zag, the Major zigs, and admits that, sure there’s climate change, it just isn’t caused by people. Then he zags back: If climate change is real, why is it cold in winter and hot in summer? Gotcha, bwa ha ha ha.

Let the Major slide, say some. His are the discords dulcet of a man long in decades, not smarts. Maybe. Maybe that is what makes the world go round.

His employer brags that Major Nibs is “Politically Incorrect- and proud of it!” But like President Tweety Brain, Miller is about as politically incorrect as Rush Limbaugh in a Speedo.

We come not to damn Dan Miller, nor to praise him– just to hear some good doo wop. Too bad Dan no longer hears the doo.

A fruit in the looms