By Donald J. Trump
Special to Little Big Town MT
Look at my face. Go ahead, take a good look. Am I the handsomest guy running for president in 2016 or what?
I’m not bragging, I’m just being honest. Everybody tells me I’m the best looking candidate. And my wife, Mazda I think her name is, will be the best-looking First Lady.
I know, I know, being good-looking is a gift you’re born with or you’re not, so it really isn’t that important. Let’s just be honest enough to admit that if you’re not pretty like me, you’re a loser.
You want a loser for president? C’mon. Are you really gonna vote for a sack of potatoes like that hillbilly guy from Arkansas? Or that worm from Wisconsin, Snot Walker. (His name is Scott but I call him snot, because he’s a loser, believe me.) Anyway, he dropped out.
Okay, Ricky Perry was maybe a close second in prettiness, and I only mention him out of honesty. The guy is a moron, c’mon. When you’re President of the United States you need to remember more than three things at once. But I chased him out too a long time ago – I said Boo! Like I’ll say to Putin and ISIS.
Now I’ve read Doom of Weirds, the greatest e-novel not in print so I know all about the philosophy of Lady Aristotle – who knows me very well by the way. I don’t think its a coincidence that the hero in most of her comic books, Howard Rork, is a rugged individualist capitalist just like me. Look it up if you don’t believe me. My lawyers all tell me to sue, I could win, but I won’t, because I’m a decent guy. In fact I’m the most decent guy ever, a lot of people I know tell me that, they Tweet me, a lot.
As a decent guy, here’s a decent promise; I will be the best-looking president since Ronald Reagan. And I’ll be banging the best-looking First Lady-better than Kennedy’s old lady even. Now if this one gets much older, I don’t know. Good-looking thirsty broads are a zloty a dozen in eastern Europe.
So recap: Good-looking president equals good president. That’s a promise that trumps all others. See how smart I am? That’s extra. So vote for me, Donald Trump, for President. Don’t be a loser.
Speaking of Lady Aristotle, she’s right, our once-great nation is being overrun by ugly people. You see them all over the place, these Potato Faces taking away jobs from better-looking Americans, real Beauteurs. Many of them have jobs on MSNBC, since no one else will hire them. MSNBC is a joke, c’mon, who watches it. You don’t see any Potato Faces on Fox do you? Okay, aside from Greta, it’s mostly good-looking broads and yeah I’ve banged a couple of them. I won’t tell who, I’m a gentleman.
The problem is Mexico is sending us not only their serial rapists and murderers, but also their ugly people. I’m just saying what no one else has the courage to say.
When I build my wall across the border – 700 feet tall, just like in Game of Thrones, which was based on my idea, you can bet there will be no Potato Faces getting across anymore. There will be a Beautiful Door there, the most gorgeous door ever bought, you’ll cry if you see it. And Beautiful loooking Mexican babes, like Salma Hayek and that hot weather girl, will be able to get through. I mean Salma Hayek from about eight years ago by the way.
Geraldo Rivera can go back home then, he’s a loser. Don’t you be a loser – vote for me, Donald Trump for President. Make America Great Again!