Ghost of Fred to Son Donald: I’m Sending You Back to Military School!


Fred Trump (left) before he became a ghost.

Fred Trump (center) before he became a ghost.

By Fred Trump (ghost)

Special to Little Bigtown MT

Donald John Trump, what the hell is wrong with you? You shout insults at people in public ­­–– even people in your own party. You bully the press and any other weakling that stands up to you. You make outrageously racist slams against Mexicans and Mooselmen. So how you’re only at 45 percent in the Republican polls. What the hell is your problem, boy?

A Trump man is 100 percent, all the time- all the time! So are you a man? Or a boy? Pick it up you pussy!

Now here’s what you’ve got right so far: Stir up resentment. Get people to hate each other. Hire one half of the working class to kill the other half – that way you can say you gave them all jobs.

You were off to a good start by kicking the beaners and then the mooselmens. Even after 239 years Americans are too stupid to know everyone is a minority. Pretty soon they spend all their time arguing with each other, while the property devalues. Then you move in and scoop it up without spending a dime! That’s how a Trump succeeds in business. That’s the Trump hallmark.

Still, I talk to other ghosts down here in hell – a lot of ghosts – and they all agree with me: You’re not mean enough. I gave you the personality of a Mafia capo, it’s up to you to be an earner. People want to see that. People like that. Tony Soprano in the White House? Fuhgedaboutit!

I gave you the personality of a Mafia capo, it’s up to you to be an earner. People want to see that. People like that. Tony Soprano in the White House? Fuhgedaboutit! 


Every ghost I talk to around hell here agrees with me. A lot of great spooks, Genghis Khan, that frog Napoleon, that wuss British king who married that ugly old broad from

Keep pushing that birther stuff. Keep lying that you sent a couple of mooks over to Hawaii to ‘find some stuff.’ So what if Obi-wan Kenyatta can’t run for office again? Every white person out there knows a black punk from Chicago couldn’t beat a wealthy white man in a fair fight. It had to be fixed. It had to be a conspiracy. See to it they think that, even if they don’t know it. It smears the Democratic brand.

Don’t lay off the McCain stuff either. Okay, so what if he got two dozen recommendations and awards including a purple heart, a bronze and silver star, yada yada yada, and spent five years in a North Vietnamese prison boo hoo hoo. Everybody knows McCain is a loser who would never have gotten the action at Studio 54 you did.

You gotta be careful talking about veterans though. Battle field medicine is so good nowadays too many of them get patched up to go home. They have to think you care about them. Just make lots of promises you have no intention of keeping. Their patched-up brains can’t think that far.

Make sure people hate the government. That’s the best laugh—we want to run the government! People will hate it even better when we take over the White House.

So do you think you can do this boy? I gave you more than three idea. Christ, you’re not as dense as that loaf of Texas toast Rich Perry are you? Maybe not, but I don’t have much faith in you.

Donald John, you’ve always been a disappointment to me, and you always will be. Even though I’m dead and you’re a groan man, I’d send you back to military school in a New York minute. It wouldn’t be a huge minute either. Now get out there and kick some crotches!