By Bill ‘The Factor’ O’Reilly
A fake news special to Little Bigtown Montana
You know what Christmas is all about – The joy of resentment!
Thanks to President Donald J. Trump, Americans are free to say “Merry Christmas” to each another once again! The prisons are opening, and millions of people are free to pretend they are Christians once again.
Really, can you even recall the last time someone was allowed to say that out loud under the tyranny of the Obama Administration? Never happened.
Nevertheless, The Factor still needs to set the record straight about the real meaning of Christmas.
Normally The Factor‘s staff is instructed to ignore requests from liberal pinhead blogs like the one you’re wasting your time on now. After all, The Factor is the highest rated program on cable television. The Factor has more than 15 million viewers every night. The Factor has written a dozen New York Times bestsellers, some of them.
Anyone who knows what they are talking about recognizes The Factor as America’s foremost expert on the War on Christmas. The Factor is, after all, a combat veteran – he was working in Buenos Aires when pictures of falling bombs were shown on TV.
So why is The Factor posting here? Because it’s Christmas! The season when the best and the brightest give to the least and most unworthy. So let’s get to it.
What is Christmas about?
What is Christmas about? Easy. It’s a mass for Christ. A mass, for all my liberal, unbelieving friends — and I know you’re reading this, Mr. Maher, — is a worship service in a Roman Catholic church. That’s right, a Roman Catholic church.
Now I’m a Catholic, so I don’t have to read the Bible. Father Brown taught The Factor the Baltimore Catechism, and the Baltimore Catechism teaches anybody everything they need to know. It never changes. Never. Thanks to that I don’t have to go to church much. The Factor is too busy doing the Big Guy’s work – He understands.
(President-elect Trump is in the same category. He gets a get-out-of-Purgatory-free card. He’s too busy making America great again.)
Now, last year The Factor donated tens of thousands of dollars to Catholic charities. How much did you give? Thirty bucks to some far-left loon of a Democratic campaigner who lost anyway? Fifty bucks to PBS so you can keep watching Downtown Abbey and Lawrence Welk? Charity is how you get a reserved seat in Heaven, pal. After you accept the full magisterium of the right church.
Look, everybody knows that the smartest guy who ever lived was Saint Thomas Aquinas. He lived in the thirteenth century, and he was a saint. Saints are like super-nerds. Not only do they not have sex, they don’t even think about sex. I mean, this guy lived his whole life and never saw a vagina, and that includes when he was born because he closed his eyes on the way out. A lot of focus there.
You know what Tom Aquinas, this great philosopher, this greatest of all saints, you know what he wrote what Christians do in Heaven for fun? They watch the souls of the damned burn in Hell. It’s true, it’s right there in his book Summa Theologica, the greatest book ever written about religion – except for Killing Jesus. (Okay, just kidding Saint Tom.) Get someone to look it up.The Factor did.
It isn’t the Lord that matters – Just lording it over!
The promise of watching unbelievers burn in the fires of hell for all eternity – that’s God’s Yule Log. As in “You’ll all burn.” Sorry, Hillary’s Haters. There’s no salvation outside the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Those are the rules set up by The Big Guy.
I don’t mean to go on a crusade and The Factor is no jihadi. I’m just a good journalist reporting the truth. Better buy a ticket, lefties.
Christmas: Catholic Mass for Christ. Only! Anything else is spin from the liberal (protestant) media. We know what Christmas is all about. It isn’t about serving the Lord. It’s about lording it over pinheads! The joy of resentment!
So Merry Christmas – asshole!