By Greg Gianforte
Special to Little Bigtown MT
This summer I will pretend to give away my entire personal fortune of $1.5 billion to the people of Montana. This decision comes from a personal revelation to me from my pal and shooting partner, Jesus™.
As a candidate for governor this year, I want the good folk of Montana to know me for who I am: Not just a successful businessman, not just a billionaire, but a ‘PC’ – Pretend Christian.
Fortunately, thanks to a talk I had with my good friend in Billings, State Sen. Dave Hagstrom, that means I can’t wait until I croak. That may be good enough for heathens like Warren Buffet or Bill Gates, he said, but not for fake Catholics like us.
Sen. Dave claims to have actually read parts of the Bible. And man, you wouldn’t believe the stuff that’s in there. I sure didn’t.
Like, did you know that Jesus said you can’t be both a Christian and a rich guy? That really knocked me for a loop. But here it is:
“Hardly one rich guy will get into the kingdom of heaven… It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven.”
– Matthew 19:23-24
Wow. And here I am with this mountain of loot. Boy is my face red!
“It does makes you look pretty stupid, Greg,” Dave agreed. “But you can fix that. Why don’t you give all your money away? Why not? Millard Fuller, the rich guy who started Habitat for Humanity did.”
Dave pointed out that someone can no more be a Christian billionaire than they can be a Christian gangster, or a Christian homosexual. So it’s all got to go, all one point five billion. (Hey, I’m not Donald Trump rich, but I do live down the block from that hair thing of his.)
The Bible clearly teaches us that you can no more be a Christian billionaire than a Christian homosexual.
Some of my friends, like Montana GOP Party Chair Jeff Esshole, advised me just to dump Jesus™ and worship atheist Ayn Rand instead.
“Greg, religion is a crutch for losers,” Jeff told me. “That Jesus™ guy sounds like a commie to me. A lot of them are Jews, you know. ‘You can’t love both God$ and money?’ Give me a break! Commies love that stuff– because they don’t know how to earn money. They can only steal ours through taxes. Haven’t you ever read Atlas Shrugged? Lady Aristotle teaches us that selfishness is a virtue. Yessiree, now that’s a philosophy for money makers like you and me. And maybe even women. ”
My fellow carpetbagger Bozemanian Rep. Art Wittich agreed.
“C’mon Greg, pass on that Jesus™ punk! It’s a religion for weaklings. You’re rich,” he said. “Job creators like us don’t follow the same rules as little people. That’s why Beelzebub gave us money.”
Then he turned himself into a newt. Pretty convincing argument. But like I said, I was raised Pretend Catholic, and not reading the Bible and sticking to out-dated traditions is important to me. I’m stuck with being a Pretend Christian.
Now, how can you help me? Well you can claim a piece of my money. Just write a simple 500-word essay and email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you can convince me you deserve help, I’ll send you a life-changing check for $1,000, $10,000, gosh, maybe even $50,000!
Some people say I should keep my wealth, it’s all legally earned – through man’s law! Only God$‘s law says it has to go. So, like my hero Republican presidential candidate, loser Sen. Marc Rubio says, “When those two come in conflict, God$‘s rules always win.”
So please help me become a better Pretend Christian. Right now!