Is There a Case for Witch Burning?

 

witch carrotA concerned citizen, I recently sent this letter to the Billings Gazette. I am hopelessly O.S.:

A witch is coming to Billings, but instead of burning her at the stake as we should, we’re letting her put on a big whoop-de-do show at the Metra.

Teresa Caputo calls herself the Long Island Medium and says she talks to dead people. Now why would you want a job like that?

Anyone who has read their Bible knows the story of Saul and the witch of Endor. It doesn’t end well let me tell you, and concludes ‘suffer not a witch to live.’ So that’s good enough for me. And the avenging wrath of Yahweh.

I wrote my city council members to remind them of our biblical duty to burn witches. I also wrote to the Billings Chamber of Commerce. I suggested a special witch-burning festival to put the Magic City on the map. We could call it “Hey New York City – your Medium is Well Done.”

They all just handed my letters over to the police. They thought I was a nut.

Well I’m not a nut. I’m only a nut about the Bible, yet I get unjustly persecuted whenever I demand more unjust persecutions. The popularity of this kind of sin is what will make Ted Cruz president.

I admit I should know better. After all, our great country started going downhill when we gave women the right to vote. President Ted Cruz will fix that too, brother!

Original Bible Texts Damn Scalia to Hell

Hell is waiting for me, says dead Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

Holy smokes! Hell isn’t up there, realizes dead Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

 

Original Bible texts condemn right-wing activist admits God$

HELL – Denizens of the Netherworld gathered to welcome the soul of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia to eternal torment earlier this year.

The LORD YHWH Almighty™ struck Scalia down unexpectedly last February 13 while he participated in a ritual slaughter sponsored by a mysterious European cult that dates back to the 1600s.

YHWH™ announced that his decision to send Stinky to Gehenna was entirely dependent upon an originalist reading of the texts of the Bible. The 2,000 year-old text clearly points out that anyone who is “insolent, arrogant and boastful … with no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy,” among other numerous infractions, sins and idiosyncracies, deserves the punishment of eternal pain.

“I ought to know, I wrote them,” Godadded.

As an ardent advocate of ‘originalism,’ the supposed doctrine that a law must be interpreted as it was written, the soul of Justice Scalia could only agree.

“I knew better,” chuckled Scalia. “The original text has less meaning than the ‘Spirit of the Law’ as Montesquieu said. I was aware of that – I was one of those know-it-all scholars, after all. I’d read the old 18th century Frog – he wrote one of the founding fathers’ favorite Enlightenment documents! But I spent most of my ‘scholarly’ life as a conservative. We had a funny joke, us conservatives, that the Enlightenment was a commie plot. In the end, I got hoisted by my own petard.”

Sure enough, a demon lurking behind the black-robed jurist shoved a long sharp spear, or petard, through Scalia’s chest.

“Whoops! Look out! Ha ha! Well, that’s what I deserve for hypocrisy! That will teach me not to be wrong. Forever and ever and ever,” Scalia whined, emphasizing his distress by sputtering blood.

Spokesman for Hades, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, was quick to embrace the arrival of his fellow deceiver.

“Even as Mr. Scalia pretended to be an ‘originalist,’ he was actually just a right wing judicial activist,” said the rotted fleshpile of the false preacher who died and went to hell in 2007. “I mean, in District of Columbia vs, Heller, Justice Scalia’s most famous case, he ‘discovered’ a right that no other judge had noticed in 200 years of American jurisprudence. How is changing something that’s stood for 200 years conservative? Hail Satan!”

Falwell referred to the 2008 U.S. Supreme Court decision that declared the right to own guns was explicit in the Second Amendment, even though the opening sentence specifies its intent is to equip militias, a form of national self-defense Americans abandoned after losing the War of 1812. Still, Scalia defended his poor logic and bad law.

Head Demon of Hell Rev. Jerry Falwell

Clown Prince of Hell Rev. Jerry Falwell

“I knew that if you argued its original intent, the amendment clearly means anyone who owns a gun has to show up on the village square twice a month to drill in Gen. von Steuben’s blunderbuss parades. How else do you stop sneak attacks by that damn’d King George III? The real right to bear arms for an individual is found in the 9th and 10th amendments, as the firearms industry and the courts agreed for 200 years. But I was told that by the late 1970s, when the gun industry took over the NRA, they switched to fake Christian literalism.  And literalists sport a boner whenever they see the word “arms.”

So, the decomposing jurist explained, some jiggery-pokery was needed to change it.

“The beauty of ‘originalism’ depends entirely upon whether a judge is weasel enough to say ‘up is down’ or ‘black is white,’” Scalia laughed, patting down his scalp when it exploded into flames. “Whee! Ha ha!”

Leading Republican presidential contender Donald Trump objected to Scalia’s abysmal fate.

“I have to say I think this decision is pathetic. Jesus™ is a complete incompetent as a savior, how else did he get himself crucified? If anyone ever sent my soul to hell I would sue them, I really would. I don’t like people being unfair to me. I have hundreds of good friends who died and were sent to hell, people like Rev. Jerry Falwell. Did they all deserve to go to hell? I don’t know, you’re gonna have to really study that.”