Secretary Zinke Promises Guns for Schoolkids

Secretary Zinke Promises Guns for Schoolkids


Angry that he was opposed by a woman in his last campaign, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, former Republican Congressman from Montana/Santa Barbara, has announced a new federal program to arm Montana’s grade school children.

“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that eight-year-olds in Montana go to school each day without their God$-given Second Amendment weapons. My opponent, the so-called Superintendent of Public Instruction, must have made it so,” Zinke told Little Big Town MT in a telephone interview. “She was only interested in teaching elitist lessons like the ABCs.”

“If even one of those six-year-olds at Sandy Hook Elementary had had a small pistol, they could have stopped a bad guy in his tracks,” Zinke said.

“We’ve got to fight gun control everywhere, even in grade school,” said Zinke, a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association as well as a four-year member of its Charlton Heston Marching Band and Harmonica Society.

When reelected in November, Zinke said he would introduce a law in the 2017 session to arm children as young as kindergartners.

“We’ve got to put more guns everywhere, even in grade school.”

Since his appointment to President Tweety Bird‘s Cabinet, Zinke has passed his proposal on to fellow Republican Sen. Steve Daines. Daines will introduce ‘HR 344/SB2290, Guns For Kids’, which would mandate federal distribution of guns to every school in Montana grades 1-8. Each desk in the state would be outfitted with its own Smith and Wesson .22 pistol.

“They’re only .22s, but these are children, they’re like Coast Guardsmen, they probably don’t have enough strength to hold anything bigger,” explained Zinke.

“I’m not crazy. I know the problems people have with this,” he laughed. “People want their kids to have the biggest and the best. Well, you have to be practical. You have to take a shooter’s physical capabilities into consideration. Some of these little girls in Second Grade only weigh 40 or 50 pounds. They couldn’t possibly lift an 8-pound weapon like the Bushmaster XM15-E2S. I know, I was a Navy Seal.”

“Guns for kids! What could go wrong?” asked Zinke. “The only people against it are the gun-grabbers, the gun control pussies.”

Looking out for kids

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke spots a protester outside his office


Homer Simpson Claims Fox Women Well-fed and Housed

Homer Simpson Claims Fox Women Well-fed and Housed

Fox-TV star Homer Simpson (left) smiles while boss’Roger Ailes right hand “samples” the goods


NEW YORK  – Fox News star Homer Simpson says the sexual demands of former Fox News chief Roger Ailes on his female staff members were not all that bad since all his victims were well-fed and housed.

It’s an historical fact. Anyone who says anything different is a sex hustler.”

Simpson singled out former Fox News star Gretchen Carlson and Andrea Tantaros for special criticism.

On September 7, Fox announced a $20 million settlement with Carlson. Carlson’s lawsuit is credited with toppling Ailes the once-powerful media mogul.

Simpson accused Carlson and the 20 other female litigants against Ailes of being ungrateful far-left Saul Alinsky agitators.

“She’s the richest Gretchen in the whole world. I mean, can you name another Gretchen? No. Gretchen Carlson should get down on her hands and knees and kiss Roger Ailes’ wingtips for everything she has. And if kissing Roger Ailes’ wingtips is what she was supposed to be doing when she was sexually harassed, then she was probably too lazy to do it right.

“Here’s the deal. And you all know me – I’m spin free. Except for when I first got hired by Fox News, way back in ’96. Yes, I was required by Roger Ailes to come into his private office and spin around in a tight-fitting outfit. He wanted to check out my rear end, obviously. But you know, I have a fabulous derriere, so I didn’t mind.

“Roger Ailes was successful for 40 years because he never forgot that television, especially cable television is show business, and sexuality is how you get ahead. Everyone knows it, so grow up. People prefer to look at pretty people, not ugly ones. It’s just a fact. And by pretty people, I mean pretty women, and by pretty women I mean women who flaunt their knockers and keisters. Nobody cares what the guys look like. You really want to see my hairy, boney legs in a skirt?

“Now, maybe Andrea Tarantula or Gretchen Cardboard had a different experience with Roger than mine. Maybe they don’t like their derrieres as much as I do mine. Maybe Roger didn’t like their derrieres as much as I do. Whatever. This is how you get to the Big Time and they knew it. They knew it and they blew it.

Simpson had previously joined forces with his fellow male Fox stars in defending his former boss. Simpson, Sean Hannity, Geraldo Rivera, Brit Hume, Bret Baer and that Eric guy from The Five, were all recruited for a Fox-News’ “Big Roger Club” to ridicule women who spoke out against Fox’s dirty dog.

Hired as a consultant by the Trump campaign, Ailes said he can’t wait to get his hands on the Ladies for Trump cotillion.

“There’s a lot of pretty young ladies that need the Ailes’ touch,” he laughed, licking his lips.

Ailes has his eyes on helping the women of Trump

Ailes helped Der Fuhrer grab ladies

Why I Owe My Pal Vladimir Putin $440 million

Why I Owe My Pal Vladimir Putin $440 million

putin trump kiss

By Donald J. Trump

Amazingly Special to Little Big Town MT


A lot of people ask me why I’m so nice to Vladimir Putin, the dictator of Russia. Why not, I say? He’s never criticized me, in fact he’s been very nice to me. He’s called me a genius. I don’t go after people who like me. Okay okay, there is another reason. I owe the guy $440 million.

C’mon, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. It’s sarcasm, give me a break, I’m being sarcastic.  Maybe not that much. Only looking over my tax returns or something would prove something like that, right? Well, guess what, I’m being audited by the IRS so I can’t show them to anybody. Only the IRS can look at them. Only the IRS and maybe a few close pals like ‘Vladimir Vladimirovich’ wink, wink.

Anyway, my Make America White Again Campaign Chairperson, Kellyanne Conway knows I have nothing to hide, which is why I’m breaking tradition of the last 60 years by not revealing my tax returns. As America’s leading conservative voice, I have to break tradition, nothing’s changing, we gotta shake stuff up in Washington. That’s why I’ll beat Crooked Hillary this November. That’s why Americans will elect me in a landslide, believe me. Believe me.


Say, hasn’t Kellyanne Conway come a long since she began working for the Trump Organization, the Make America Great Again campaign, hasn’t she folks? She really has. Especially when you think that her last boss was Ted Cruz, oy yoi yoi, what a piece of work that guy is. A liar, a liar, the biggest liar who ever lived, the definition of sleaze. He shut down the whole damn country for a month because he hates that black Kenyan guy in the White House, Barack Obama. (Obama, the black Kenyan guy who became America’s President, the greatest scam in human history BTW, absolute scam. But I don’t want to talk about it anymore. He’s history, he’s history. And so’s Obamacare, whatever the hell it is.)

And Obamacare, we’ll repeal and replace Obamacare on Day One people, believe me, Day One. I don’t know what we’ll do, maybe pay for insurance for poor people, or give them discount coupons or something, I don’t know, you gotta be compassionate you know, folks, I’m all about compassion. Kellyanne will fill you in on that later, she knows how bad Obamacare is, very smart. I really like her, and you know, I’m the best judge of human character there ever was, a lot of people tell me that.

And look what Kellyanne has accomplished even though she has such little breasts. Usually flat-chested women don’t go very far in life, its true, its true, you know it is. Only in the Donald J. Trump camp! I tell it like it is, I always do, always have.

No other candidate has the guts to think about dropping a nuclear bomb on someone, only Donald J. Trump. What in the world are nuclear weapons for if you can’t use them? And they tell me, they yell at me, all these military guys, these liberals, with all their medals and experience in all those wars we didn’t need, they all tell me no, no, no you can’t even think about that, you can’t even say nuclear bomb.

And you know what I say? I say why not? Why not? Why can’t we drop a nuclear bomb on ISIS, wherever we find them? We could find them anywhere, anywhere they hide. I know this because I know this, and I know more about ISIS than all those generals, or those fake intelligence people. I don’t believe any of that shit they feed me, do you? To hell with them. Who knows, maybe we’ll find some ISIS hiding in Mexico City. What do you think, does that sounds like a plan?

I'll be the best urban renewal president, believe me!

I’ll be the best urban renewal president ever, believe me!