BOZEMAN – Montana congressional candidate Greg Gianforte vows to spend “$50 to $60 billion dollars, whatever it takes” for Congress to investigate whether Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired or quit The Apprentice.
“My president, Donald Trump, knows it’s important, so I know it’s important. Montana knows it’s important. Or they will after I spent a couple million dollars on ads about it.”
President Donald Trump has repeatedly Tweeted about Schwarzenegger and his “failed” performance on the TV program created for Trump.
“Back in Jersey we would say Mr. Trump is ‘cheesed off.’ It’s obviously very important to him, a matter of pride, and why not? He invented that show to trick suckers into thinking he was still a ‘successful businessman.’ After the way he cheated thousands of average Americans out of their money, when he went bankrupt running those casinos in Atlantic City? And the suckers bought it again! Amazing!” laughed the evil Bozeman genius.
Gianforte said he was attracted to Montana in the 1980s, after he watched his father cheat a Martinsdale Hutterite farmer out of his cows for a handful of “magic beans.” He spent years studying the state, finally concluding that Montanans were the most gullible people in America.
“Montanans has a long history of being played for a sucker. I learned that reading about the Anaconda Company days. These squareheads want and deserve to have a champion who will always be on the side of billionaires. It’s time to give the power back to men of wealth and means. Like me!
“Look, Montana may not like this, but it’s time for Americans to put money first. I’ll tell them we’re getting Washington out of the way so our economy can prosper rich guys like me, and high-paying jobs can be created for my kids, not some trucker’s kids, and greater opportunities can exist to dump crap into Montana’s rivers, streams and trailer parks.
“But our Montana way of life will always be protected against The Terminator!”
Gianforte acknowledged that he and Trump had met last week to discuss plans for the state and country once Gianforte slicks his way into Ryan Zinke’s seat.
“President Trump and I discussed a lot of things. The need to repeal Obamacare. The need to investigate Obama’s illegal and sick wiretapping. The need to end Medicaid and Medicare, Social Security, and America’s most sacred cow of socialism, the Department of Agriculture.
“It’s a busy agenda, I admit, but [Schwarzeneggergate] has to be a priority. It’s gonna be my priority, anyway.”
But like his hero Trump, Gianforte, who spent most of his life in New Jersey, promises that he has “no intention of keeping his promises.”
Except to Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Hey, terminator. I promise—You, ya putz, will not be back!”