Gianforte Vows Billions for ‘Schwarzeneggergate”

Gianforte Vows Billions for ‘Schwarzeneggergate”

Schwarzenegger takes aim at rich but puny Bozeman target

Gianforte can’t wait to get cheat tips from Trump University himself.


BOZEMAN – Montana congressional candidate Greg Gianforte vows to spend “$50 to $60 billion dollars, whatever it takes” for Congress to investigate whether Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired or quit The Apprentice.

“My president, Donald Trump, knows it’s important, so I know it’s important. Montana knows it’s important. Or they will after I spent a couple million dollars on ads about it.”

President Donald Trump has repeatedly Tweeted about Schwarzenegger and his “failed” performance on the TV program created for Trump.

“Back in Jersey we would say Mr. Trump is ‘cheesed off.’ It’s obviously very important to him, a matter of pride, and why not? He invented that show to trick suckers into thinking he was still a ‘successful businessman.’ After the way he cheated thousands of average Americans out of their money, when he went bankrupt running those casinos in Atlantic City? And the suckers bought it again! Amazing!” laughed the evil Bozeman genius.

Gianforte said he was attracted to Montana in the 1980s, after he watched his father cheat a Martinsdale Hutterite farmer out of his cows for a handful of “magic beans.” He spent years studying the state, finally concluding that Montanans were the most gullible people in America.

“Montanans has a long history of being played for a sucker. I learned that reading about the Anaconda Company days. These squareheads want and deserve to have a champion who will always be on the side of billionaires. It’s time to give the power back to men of wealth and means. Like me!

“Look, Montana may not like this, but it’s time for Americans to put money first. I’ll tell them we’re getting Washington out of the way so our economy can prosper rich guys like me, and high-paying jobs can be created for my kids, not some trucker’s kids, and greater opportunities can exist to dump crap into Montana’s rivers, streams and trailer parks.

“But our Montana way of life will always be protected against The Terminator!”

Gianforte acknowledged that he and Trump had met last week to discuss plans for the state and country once Gianforte slicks his way into Ryan Zinke’s seat.

“President Trump and I discussed a lot of things. The need to repeal Obamacare. The need to investigate Obama’s illegal and sick wiretapping. The need to end Medicaid and Medicare, Social Security, and America’s most sacred cow of socialism, the Department of Agriculture.

“It’s a busy agenda, I admit, but [Schwarzeneggergate] has to be a priority. It’s gonna be my priority, anyway.”

But like his hero Trump, Gianforte, who spent most of his life in New Jersey, promises that he has “no intention of keeping his promises.”

Except to Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Hey, terminator. I promise—You, ya putz, will not be back!”


Amoral Narcissist Stuns Nation by Not Shitting on Floor of Congress

Amoral Narcissist Stuns Nation by Not Shitting on Floor of Congress

The Bone Spur Brigade (Center)


The Amoral Narcissist who now inhabits the office of Barack Obama, Ronald Reagan, John F. Kennedy, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, Donald “Jackass” Trump stunned the nation last February 28 when he refrained from unbelting his fashionable bespoke Chinese pants and shitting on the floor of Congress like the bored bonobo monkey he most frequently resembles. Astonished members of Congress were quick to praise the pathological liar and popular vote loser for acting the way normal, decent people always behave.

“I had bet $50 that he would drop trou and squeeze out a tootsie roll in the first minute,” said Paul Ryan (R-McCarthyite Wisconsin), Speaker of the House of Representatives. “I mean, basically told us that’s what Washington needs. What self-control!”

“I was whelmed,” admitted Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-CSA),. “I thought I spotted his butt-tocks briefly, but it was only Rush Limbaugh greeting Stephen Miller.

Members of the sycophant press were delighted to be asked their shallow, worthless opinions.

“Once again, President Jackass displayed a remarkable unpredictability,” said Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends. “He was amazing. He managed to make it through a whole 88 minutes without insulting a single woman, or grabbing anyone’s vagina, or calling a woman Pocahontas. He hasn’t done any of that for a week now.”

Still, there remain plenty of reasons to be skeptical about any Kafkaesque metamorphosis of our national disgrace.

President Jackass is still an amoral narcissist. He is still a pathological liar. He still cheats children out of their wages. He is still suspected of being secretly owned by Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, as his hidden taxes will reveal.

President Jackass is still completely ignorant of nearly every skill needed to be an effective leader. He just discovered this week that healthcare reform is hard. Who knew that, except for millions of us grown-ups?

Still, he managed to promise $54 billion in expensive and unnecessary spending on a military that no one wants, including the military. He still managed to promise our economy will grow by building walls against trade and peoples, and by arbitrarily imposing special taxes on American companies who defy him. He still managed to encourage Americans to dwell in hatred and fear.

And he still hasn’t apologized to former President Barack Obama for lying about his birth certificate for five years.

All in all, the stink is still in the rug.