Montana politicians describe how they felt when The Donald engaged in some “locker room fun”
Mr and Mrs Greg Gianforte
The Trump White House today confirmed that the wives of two of Montana’s three congressional representatives had their genitals groped by Donald Trump in their initial meetings.
“It’s no big deal. It’s just who he is,” said Rep. Greg Gianforte. “We knew the media would try to make some fake news out of this so we kept it quiet.”
“He doesn’t mean anything by it. This is just the way Washington works under Mr. Trump,” shrugged Senator Steve Daines. “Golly, I sure have no problem with it. Neither does Cindy, I guess.”
“Nothing Donald Trump does can be illegal,” stressed Gianforte. “He’s the president. What he says now is not campaign promises, it’s the law. You want to get a tax cut don’t you? ” He added that, like Daines, he believed his wife, Susan, also had no problems with the Mr. Trump’s busy hands.
“We both recognize the superior manliness of Donald Trump. He has a huge brain, a great brain. And he knows the best words. He knows more about fighting than all the admirals and generals,” Gianforte told LittleBigTownMT.
“And he has the biggest penis, believe me, believe me,” added Daines.
Gianforte and Daines are both Republicans. The state’s third congressman is a Democrat and immune to Trump’s tiny hands.
Huckabee Sanders: Safe from Trump grope
Asked by LittleBigtownMt to comment on the groping incidents, White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders neither denied nor affirmed them. However, she did defend her boss’ vulgar attack on the “outdated” values of good manners and morals.
“Yeah, your president is a pudenda predator. So what? Every woman who comes to the White House can expect Donald Trump to eventually paw her vagina, unless she’s a real dog. That’s just Donald Trump being Donald Trump. He’s a strong, forceful alpha male, and he’s what Americans voted for. Got a problem with that?”
Sanders then berated all mainstream media journalists who were “not smart enough to choose a profession that pays a decent salary.”
“Look kids, this is the new world order of our Furor, a man who was elected without the help of Russia, but with the biggest vote in human history. If you’re not man enough to hold your own against a childish insult from the world’s most powerful bully, then you’re a cuck like Crooked Hillary.
“Besides, President Trump only insults people who deserve it. If that hurts your feelings, then get out of politics, stay at home, and watch the Voice instead,” added the fat ugly pig.
Bozeman millionaire Gianforte was the first to detail his story to LittleBigtownMt. The incident happened after his special election win in March.
“Mr. Trump invited Susie and me down to Mar-a-Lago, his resort in Florida. It’s a beautiful place and we were quite honored. It wasn’t cheap, but it was reasonable–he thinks I’m another billionaire. Anyway, he invited us to meet him privately in the Roy Cohn Discotheque. It was just the four of us, Susie and I, Mr. Trump and his wife Harmonica. After I introduced Susie to him, he reached forward to pull her arm and said, ‘C’mere you! Ah, you’re a beauty, you really are. Lemme do this. Lemme do this. Lemme grab your pussy, okay? It’s an honor, you know, it really is. I just do it for luck now.’ And then he playfully reached underneath her dress and squeezed her bazinga.
“I think Susan responded very well by politely going ‘Whee!’ and laughing. They say that’s what Ted Cruz’ wife did. And we all laughed.
“It was all done in fun, probably,” Gianforte. “That’s what his lawyers told us. Like the White House bouncer said, ‘This is what you have to do be somebody in the Republican Party nowadays.’ I agree. I personally have no problem with the President of the United States putting his hands on my wife’s hoo-ha. But I’m sure CNN or MSNBC will wring some fake news out of it.
“Like my good friend Donald Trump Junior says, ladies who can’t take a little sexual harassment don’t belong in public.”
Victim Cindy Daines (left)
Senator Daines and his wife Cindy’s first encounter with Trump also happened at the Mar-a-Lago resort, in late December of 2016, but on the roller coaster.
“I thought it was funny that the president—he was president-elect back then–wanted to sit up front with Cindy. But that meant I got to sit in the back with Melanica. Fair trade. He told Cind he wanted to show her the ‘bone spur’ that kept him out of the Vietnam War–he winked when he said that. I still don’t know why he took his pants off. But a couple minutes later I heard her go ‘OH! I mean –Whee!’ and giggle. So, yeah, it was most likely in good fun.”
Daines and Gianforte were emphatic that they would offer no challenge to Trump’s superior masculinity.
“Donald Trump is a man, a strong man, he a real man. He’s a man with a new way of doing things. You have to let him do whatever he wants, and I want to help him. That’s why Montanans sent me here,” said Gianforte.
“All this genital-grabbing talk is nothing, just like all that Russian Collusion talk. The Democrats hate that Donald Trump is a winner. I want to be a winner too, not a loser. Losing is a sin,” Daines said.
Gianforte fairly gushed over two of Trump’s closet advisors being real live Nazis. “The late Steve Bannon and that Hungarian whiskers guy, what’s-his-name, Grabber Marx? So, when Donald promises a new world order to make America great again, he’s got a lot of Sneaky Petes who can change things, in the worst way.
“He’s a new president, with a new way of doing things. Grabbing women by the bargain basement is one. Who cares? There is no right or wrong anymore.”
Finally, Daines spoke laughingly of another brief encounter with Mr. Trump, when he threatened to have sex with his wife.
“He pulled me aside at Hobby Lobby’s “Dixie Days” celebration for Strom Thurmond. During the open bar, he pointed to Cindy, and told me, ‘I’m gonna move on her, I know she’s married, but I don’t care. I’m gonna fuck her.’ Just like he said he would to that hot television gal, Nancy Whatsername.”
“I said — ‘But Mr. President, that’s my wife!’”
“ ‘Oh, is she? Well, no wonder she was so grateful. I’m kidding, I’m kidding,’ ” recalled Daines with a laugh that ended in a sick smile. He then recovered and added a warning.
“Donald Trump has a hands-on approach to business. I’ll do whatever it takes to be liked. You know, Fox & Friends needs to give us a new word to describe President Donald Trump. Maybe Maybe His Greatness, or the Czar of Tweet.”
Satire makes the Nazis cry
In Der Furor’s Face
(Apologies to Spike Jones)
When Der Furor says we make dis place da greats
We heil heil right in Der Furor’s face
Not to love Der Furor is a big disgrace
Yet we heil, heil, right in Der Furor’s face
When Huckababy says Der Furor is most greats
We heil, heil, right in Ms. Huckababy’s face
When Mr Tillerman says to Rocket Man we talk
But Der Furor says no no no no no
we bomb his stinky place
We heil heil right in Der Furor’s face
Is he not the superman, Queens New York superman?
Yup he is the superman (super duper Queenieman)
Is his GOP plan so great
Would you build it if you could
Yup his GOP land is good
We would build it if we had immigrant labor to do it
He brings America to great againness
Der Furor’s America is bestest best
Everyone of foreign race
Will love Der Furor’s face
When we line them up against the Wall
Der Furor Receives Orders to Collect Voter Info from Boss Putin
Russian agent Donald Trump used a meeting with world leaders to collect further instructions from his Moscow puppet-master Vladimir Putin.
The meeting occurred in full view of the public earlier this July in Berlin.
“Der Furor is secure that the blatancy of his betrayal will be excused by his 36-percenter minions,” declared Vice President Mike Pence, not really knowing why.
“The people who voted for me are very, very loyal and very, very stupid. Exactly as Steve said they would be,” Trump explained, referring to a policy devised by his neo-Nazi former advisor and fired UnterFuror, Steve Bannon.
Following those orders just this week, Traitor Trump initiated the Soviet, I mean, Russian instructions on how to track down and punish all his opponents.
On Thursday, July 19, the Mad King gave new orders to his henchmen to collect the names, addresses, phone numbers and online names of every voter in America.
The information is scheduled to be handed over to UnterFuror Chris Kobach who will then pass the information along to his cyberthugs.
“Dick and pussy pictures,” promised Kobach with a wicked laugh. “It’s amazing how many people you can hurt with pussy and dick shots showing up in their Facebook profile.”
“After that, the concentration camps will be built,” said Trump. “They will be beautiful, absolutely beautiful camps, let me tell you. They’ll be made in America, too. The inmates will build them. They’ll be free. I mean, no money, the inmates will work for them. Work makes you free.”
“Work makes you free! I like that,” laughed Bannon from the bottom of an apple barrel.
Disgraced MT-GOP Chair Jeffrey Beauregard Essmann
By Lance Grider
Jeff Essmann, Chairman of the Montana Republican Party abruptly resigned last month, citing a controversial new gaffe made by “that blabbermouth Donald Trump.”
“That’s it for the Montana Republican Party. We’re dead,” Essmann admitted to Little Big Town MT.
But the boner Essmann credits with damaging his party is not Trump’s latest howler, made May 10th at the White House, when he dimwittedly revealed classified information to a roomful of high-ranking Russian spies.
Instead, Essmann says the damage came in late March, when Trump discovered that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. “Does anyone know that? (A) lot of people don’t know that,” Trump told his usual discombobulated fan club.
That information was kept top-secret by the Montana Republican Party for well over a century, said Essmann.
“If the rank and file of our people realize that Abraham Lincoln—a liberal who freed human slaves—was a Republican, Montanans won’t vote for another Republican in a hundred years.
“We’d managed to keep that a secret for so long, like forever. Now that big mouth has spilled the beans.”
Montana GOPpers kept the legend of Abraham Lincoln HIDDEN for over 100 years–until Trump!
Speaker of the Montana House Austin Knudsen, echoed Essmann’s bleak assessment of his party’s future. He too blamed the inexperienced and bombastic New York entrepreneur.
“It isn’t Jeff’s fault that the party’s future is stinko. It’s that damned Trump! He shoots from the hip. Right at his own mouth.”
Former MMA wrestler Greg Gianforte, usurper of Montana’s sole congressional seat, admitted Trump’s announcement caught him unprepared.
“Donald Trump has the brain of a goldfish. He knows nothing about American history. He’s never read a book–not even the ones with his names on them. He fires any Poindexter who does. How could he have found out Lincoln was a Republican?”
Speaker Knudsen agreed, asking “Who told him? Who? You know, he’s actually a Democrat.”
Gianforte admitted he has special reasons to despise the Railsplitter.
“Abraham Lincoln sent a gang of federal gun-grabbers to steal my great-grandfather’s guns. They stole everything else too, even the human slaves my great-grandpappy owned. Why? Because it was 1920?” explained Gianforte. “The slaves didn’t even need the Yankees to do anything except remove their chains. They watched the Yankee troops march down the road, and they all ran away as soon as supper was over.
“So I know all about suffering at the hands of liberals like Rob Quist and Abraham Lincoln.”
Our Dear Leader Donald Trump summons forth the essence of Abu bin Lincoln
‘Salsa Solution’ Cheaper than Building Walls guesses Der Furor
Der Furor demands you look at the size of his meat! It’s yuge!
Willkommen bei allen neuen deutschen Freunden von PI.net! Hier bei www.littlebigtownmt.com finden Sie eine neue unabhängige Stimme, halten Sie informiert mit allen Segen der amerikanischen Geschenk an die Welt der freien Rede! Unser Land das letzte Geschenk an die Welt ist Präsident Donald Trump (Der Furor) ! Ich weiß, er sieht einfach-minded, verlogen und unehrlich, aber lassen Sie sich nicht davon täuschen. Er wird Sie von der Pussy in kürzester Zeit packen! Bleiben Sie Angstfrei!
This is crazy I know, but I’m hearing from a lot of places that Der Furor is a cannibal.
Now, I don’t want to believe this. In fact, I’m saying right now it’s not true. But a lot of people I know are saying that Der Furor is a cannibal. I’ve spoken to investigators and psychiatrists and reliable media people like Alex Jones, people who really know, and they’re all talking about it. Someone needs to look into this, they really do. After all, we have as much proof as anything Der Furor says.
Look, he had all these people running against him for president, where are they? Where are they now? Remember when he had 10, 15, 20 goofballs running against him to be on top of that GOP totem pole, where are they? Where are they now, do you see any of them?
No you don’t because he ate them. Der Furor ate 20, 30 guys running against him for president. It’s crazy. It’s crazy, I know. But that’s what I’m hearing.
Why isn’t Der Furor in jail for eating people? Why isn’t he on Rikers Island, that nasty place in New York City where all those Law & Order cops stash their bad guys, it’s really nasty I hear. He deserves to be there folks he really does, he’s a bad dude.
But you will never see the Republican controlled congress put Der Furor on trial and send him to prison for cannibalism, it’ll never happen, it’s a complete scam. Why? Why?
The National Enquirer, they ran a story about Der Furor munching on a kid he picked out of an L.A. crowd once, a little Hispanic kid, he threw his parents a couple of pesos, but you can’t find it anywhere. Why? Have you ever asked yourself why you cannot find any stories about Der Furor eating children?
Have you ever asked yourself why you cannot find any stories about Der Furor eating children?
Because Der Furor is a rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich guy. But not as rich as he and the kids are gonna be.
That’s why you’ll never read about it, except here, on Little Bigtown MT. All those other media places, they’re scared. All they care about is money. They don’t care if Putin’s Puppet eats people.
He admitted it to the whole world back on Cinco de Mayo – “I love to eat Hispanics!” What do you suppose was in that taco bowl? Who was in that taco bowl is what you should ask.
“I Love Hispanics–They’re delicious”
GOPpers don’t care if he eats Mexican-Americans. They don’t care if he eats grandpas. They don’t care if he eats grandmas. They don’t care if he eats babies. Oy yoy yoy, the man eats human babies! And nobody cares. Nobody does anything! Here, Tweet us, don’t eat us Mein Furor. What a feedbag.
UPDATE: TRUMP INVITES FELLOW CANNIBAL DUTERTE TO CHEW THE FAT
Der Furor recently invited gourmet dictator Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte to foul the nation’s home, the White House. Der Furor admires Duterte’s style of “leadership” and hopes to pick up some ‘table tips.’
Who farted? He did!
The world-famous psychoanalytical philosopher explains to Little Big Town Montana why Donald Trump must mean something
Slavoj Žižek (slav-voy ziz-shack) is a psychoanalytic philosopher, critic, and Hegelian Marxist. He is a senior researcher at the Institute for Sociology and Philosophy at the University of Ljubljana, Slovenia (formally part of Yugoslavia), teaches German at New York University, and is international director of the Birkbeck Institute for the Humanities at the University of London. This is his first essay for Little Big Town Montana.
By Slavoj Žižek
Special to Little Big Town Montana
Donald ‘Der Furor’ Trump is the ultimate pervert artist. He doesn’t give you what you desire – he tells you how to desire.
The problem for Trump is not are our desires satisfied or not. The problem is how does Trump know what we desire.
The one measure of Trump’s true love is: he can insult the other. Trump feels free because he lacks the very language to articulate his unfreedom.
Trump’s words are never ‘only words’; they matter because they define the contours of what he can do – just like Trump Pants!
When Trump is shown scenes of starving children in Africa, with a call for him to do something to help them, he understands that the underlying ideological message is something like: “Don’t think, don’t politicize, forget about the true causes of their poverty, just act, talk about contributing money, so that you will not have to think!” Trump stands the unmoved mover, he always says its gum on his shoes.
If Trump has reasons to love someone, he doesn’t love them.
The readiness to not assume the guilt for the threats to the environment is deceptively reassuring. Trump knows we like to be guilty since, if we are guilty, it all depends on him. Suckers! Trump knows we pull the strings of catastrophe, but we save ourselves simply by changing our lives or maybe our linen.
What is bigly hard for Trump to accept is when he is reduced to the role of a passive observer who sits and watches what fate will be. To avoid this impotence, he engages in frantic, obsessive activities. He recycles old tweets, he buys new stuff, then sells it for profit or loss, he installs long-lasting light bulbs at Mar-A-Lago—a fabulous resort in a gorgeous Florida setting you should really look into—just so he can say he is doing a deal.
Trump makes his Presidential contribution like the football fan who supports his team in front of a TV screen at home, shouting and jumping from his seat, knowing the power of a president who is always right will influence the game’s outcome.
For Trump, love feels like a great misfortune, a monstrous parasite, a permanent state of emergency that ruins all small pleasures. That explains Ivana anyway.
For Der Furor, humanity is okay, but 99 percent of people are boring idiots. Am I right or what?
Because the horror of liberalism, Hillary Clinton, is not that bad people do bad things — they always do. It’s that good people do horrible things thinking they are doing something great. It worked last November anyway.
Trump’s attitudes towards the other are characterized both by ignorance for otherness, rejection of them, and an obsessive fear of harassment. In short, the other is welcomed insofar as its presence is not intrusive, insofar as it is not really the other. Tolerance thus coincides with its opposite. Trump’s duty to be tolerant towards the other effectively means that he should not get too close to him or her, not intrude into their space—in short, that I should respect his intolerance towards my not having a 737. This is increasingly emerging as the central human right of advanced capitalist society: the right not to be ‘harassed’, that is, to be kept at a safe distance from others.
Der Furor’s true ethical test is not only the readiness to save victims, but also – even more, perhaps – the ruthless dedication to annihilating those who made them victims. Gary Busey told me that. It might have been Meatloaf.
The fact that a cloud from a minor volcanic eruption in Iceland—a small disturbance in the complex mechanism of life on the Earth—can bring to a standstill the aerial traffic over an entire continent is a reminder of how, with all its power to transform nature, humankind remains just another species on the planet Earth and that for Trump, volcanoes are the real cause of global warming.
Trump is extremely romantic. You know what is his fear? His postmodern, permissive, pragmatic etiquette towards sex. It’s horrible. He claims sex is healthy; it’s good for the heart, for blood circulation, it relaxes him. He even goes into how kissing is also good because it develops the muscles here – this is horrible, my God! It’s no longer that absolute passion. Trump likes this idea of sex as part of love, you know: ‘I’m ready to sell your mother into slavery just to fuck you Ivanka.’ There is something nice, transcendent, about it. He remains incurably romantic.
Der Furor told me a story. Once, a Russian FBG officer visited Jackson Pollock in his Jackson Pollock Hole, Wyoming, studio during the First Needless Mideast War. There he saw Drip No. 5 and, shocked at the modernist ‘chaos’ of the painting, asked Jackson: “Did you do this?” Jackson calmly replied: “No, Hillary Clinton did this.” I’m pretty sure he made that up.
As soon as Trump renounces fiction and illusion, he loses reality itself; the moment he subtracts fictions from reality, reality itself loses its discursive-logical consistency.
The liberal idea of tolerance is more and more a kind of intolerance. What it means is ‘Leave me alone; don’t harass me; I’m intolerant towards your over-proximity.”
Nowadays, Trump can do anything that he wants—anal, oral, fisting—but he needs to be wearing gloves, condoms, protection. Thank you Obamacare!
What for Trump is the Absolute? Something that appears to him in fleeting experiences–say, through the gentle smile of a beautiful woman before he swallows a Tic Tac, or even through the warm caring smile of a person who may otherwise seem ugly and fat. Think Rosie. In such miraculous but extremely fragile moments, another dimension transpires through his reality. As such, the Absolute is easily corroded; it slips all too easily through Trump’s fingers and must be handled as carefully as a butterfly.
What about animals slaughtered for Trump’s consumption? who among us would be able to continue eating pork chops after visiting a factory farm in which pigs are half-blind and cannot even properly walk, but are just fattened to be killed? Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump. And what about, say, torture and suffering of millions we know about, but choose to ignore? Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump. Imagine the effect of having to watch a snuff movie portraying what goes on thousands of times a day around the world: brutal acts of torture, the picking out of eyes, the crushing of testicles -the list cannot bear recounting. Would the watcher be able to continue going on as usual? Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump. Yes, but only if he or she were able somehow to forget -in an act which suspended symbolic efficiency -what had been witnessed. His forgetting entails a gesture of what is called fetishist disavowal: “I know it, but I don’t want to know that I know, so I don’t know.” I know it, but I refuse to fully assume the consequences of this knowledge, so that I can continue acting as if I don’t know it.” Mm, ham sandwich thinks Trump.
Trump is a good Hegelian. If you have a good theory, forget about the reality.
Do not blame people and their attitudes: the problem is not corruption or greed, the problem is the system that pushes Trump to be corrupt. The solution is not, “Main Street, not Wall Street,” but to change the system so Main Street cannot function without Trump Tower.
Trump is a good Hegelian. If you have a good theory, forget about the reality
Beyond the fiction of reality, there is the banality of the Bannon.
Der Furor has no problems violating his own insights in practice.
Words are murder of a thing, not only in the elementary sense of implying its absence – by naming a thing, we treat it as absent, as dead, although it is still present – but above all in the sense of its radical dissection: the word ‘quarters’ the thing, it tears it out of the embedment in its concrete context, it treats its component parts as entities with an autonomous existence: we speak about color, form, shape, etc., as if they possessed self-sufficient being. Disaster.
In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of illness. In the typical French toilet, on the contrary, the hole is at the back, i.e. shit is supposed to disappear as quickly as possible. Finally, the American toilet presents a synthesis, a mediation between these opposites: the toilet basin is full of water, so that the shit floats in it, visible, but not to be inspected. […] It is clear that none of these versions can be accounted for in purely utilitarian terms: each involves a certain ideological perception of how the subject should relate to excrement. Hegel was among the first to see in the geographical triad of Germany, France and England an expression of three different existential attitudes: reflective thoroughness (German), revolutionary hastiness (French), utilitarian pragmatism (English). In political terms, this triad can be read as German conservatism, French revolutionary radicalism and English liberalism. […] The point about toilets is that they enable us not only to discern this triad in the most intimate domain, but also to identify its underlying mechanism in the three different attitudes towards excremental excess: an ambiguous contemplative fascination; a wish to get rid of it as fast as possible; a pragmatic decision to treat it as ordinary and dispose of it in an appropriate way. It is easy for an academic at a round table to claim that we live in a post-ideological universe, but the moment he visits the lavatory after the heated discussion, he is again knee-deep in ideology. Think Trump dump, see Trump dump.
Happiness was never important. The problem is that Trump doesn’t know what he really wants. What makes him happy is not to get what he wants but to brag about it. Happiness is for opportunists. So I think that the only life of deep satisfaction is a life of eternal struggle, especially struggle on one of your 18 golf courses around the world. If you want to remain happy, just remain stupid. And, like the song says, never make a pretty woman your wife. Authentic masters are never happy; happiness is a category of slaves.