Disgraced MT-GOP Chair Jeffrey Beauregard Essmann

By Lance Grider

Jeff Essmann, Chairman of the Montana Republican Party abruptly resigned last month, citing a controversial new gaffe made by “that blabbermouth Donald Trump.”

“That’s it for the Montana Republican Party. We’re dead,” Essmann admitted to Little Big Town MT.

But the boner Essmann credits with damaging his party is not Trump’s latest howler, made May 10th at the White House, when he dimwittedly revealed classified information to a roomful of high-ranking Russian spies.

Instead, Essmann says the damage came in late March, when Trump discovered that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. “Does anyone know that? (A) lot of people don’t know that,” Trump told his usual discombobulated fan club.

That information was kept top-secret by the Montana Republican Party for well over a century, said Essmann.

“If the rank and file of our people realize that Abraham Lincoln—a liberal who freed human slaves—was a Republican, Montanans won’t vote for another Republican in a hundred years.

“We’d managed to keep that a secret for so long, like forever. Now that big mouth has spilled the beans.”


Montana GOPpers kept the legend of Abraham Lincoln HIDDEN for over 100 years–until Trump!


Speaker of the Montana House Austin Knudsen, echoed Essmann’s bleak assessment of his party’s future. He too blamed the inexperienced and bombastic New York entrepreneur.

“It isn’t Jeff’s fault that the party’s future is stinko. It’s that damned Trump! He shoots from the hip. Right at his own mouth.”

Former MMA wrestler Greg Gianforte, usurper of Montana’s sole congressional seat, admitted Trump’s announcement caught him unprepared.

“Donald Trump has the brain of a goldfish. He knows nothing about American history. He’s never read a book–not even the ones with his names on them. He fires any Poindexter who does. How could he have found out Lincoln was a Republican?”

Speaker Knudsen agreed, asking “Who told him? Who? You know, he’s actually a Democrat.”

Gianforte admitted he has special reasons to despise the Railsplitter.

“Abraham Lincoln sent a gang of federal gun-grabbers to steal my great-grandfather’s guns. They stole everything else too, even the human slaves my great-grandpappy owned. Why? Because it was 1920?” explained Gianforte. “The slaves didn’t even need the Yankees to do anything except remove their chains. They watched the Yankee troops march down the road, and they all ran away as soon as supper was over.

“So I know all about suffering at the hands of liberals like Rob Quist and Abraham Lincoln.”

Our Dear Leader Donald Trump summons forth the essence of Abu bin Lincoln