Why I Owe My Pal Vladimir Putin $440 million

putin trump kiss

By Donald J. Trump

Amazingly Special to Little Big Town MT

 

A lot of people ask me why I’m so nice to Vladimir Putin, the dictator of Russia. Why not, I say? He’s never criticized me, in fact he’s been very nice to me. He’s called me a genius. I don’t go after people who like me. Okay okay, there is another reason. I owe the guy $440 million.

C’mon, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. It’s sarcasm, give me a break, I’m being sarcastic.  Maybe not that much. Only looking over my tax returns or something would prove something like that, right? Well, guess what, I’m being audited by the IRS so I can’t show them to anybody. Only the IRS can look at them. Only the IRS and maybe a few close pals like ‘Vladimir Vladimirovich’ wink, wink.

Anyway, my Make America White Again Campaign Chairperson, Kellyanne Conway knows I have nothing to hide, which is why I’m breaking tradition of the last 60 years by not revealing my tax returns. As America’s leading conservative voice, I have to break tradition, nothing’s changing, we gotta shake stuff up in Washington. That’s why I’ll beat Crooked Hillary this November. That’s why Americans will elect me in a landslide, believe me. Believe me.

Putin_Trump_Hot-Tub

Say, hasn’t Kellyanne Conway come a long since she began working for the Trump Organization, the Make America Great Again campaign, hasn’t she folks? She really has. Especially when you think that her last boss was Ted Cruz, oy yoi yoi, what a piece of work that guy is. A liar, a liar, the biggest liar who ever lived, the definition of sleaze. He shut down the whole damn country for a month because he hates that black Kenyan guy in the White House, Barack Obama. (Obama, the black Kenyan guy who became America’s President, the greatest scam in human history BTW, absolute scam. But I don’t want to talk about it anymore. He’s history, he’s history. And so’s Obamacare, whatever the hell it is.)

And Obamacare, we’ll repeal and replace Obamacare on Day One people, believe me, Day One. I don’t know what we’ll do, maybe pay for insurance for poor people, or give them discount coupons or something, I don’t know, you gotta be compassionate you know, folks, I’m all about compassion. Kellyanne will fill you in on that later, she knows how bad Obamacare is, very smart. I really like her, and you know, I’m the best judge of human character there ever was, a lot of people tell me that.

And look what Kellyanne has accomplished even though she has such little breasts. Usually flat-chested women don’t go very far in life, its true, its true, you know it is. Only in the Donald J. Trump camp! I tell it like it is, I always do, always have.

No other candidate has the guts to think about dropping a nuclear bomb on someone, only Donald J. Trump. What in the world are nuclear weapons for if you can’t use them? And they tell me, they yell at me, all these military guys, these liberals, with all their medals and experience in all those wars we didn’t need, they all tell me no, no, no you can’t even think about that, you can’t even say nuclear bomb.

And you know what I say? I say why not? Why not? Why can’t we drop a nuclear bomb on ISIS, wherever we find them? We could find them anywhere, anywhere they hide. I know this because I know this, and I know more about ISIS than all those generals, or those fake intelligence people. I don’t believe any of that shit they feed me, do you? To hell with them. Who knows, maybe we’ll find some ISIS hiding in Mexico City. What do you think, does that sounds like a plan?

I'll be the best urban renewal president, believe me!

I’ll be the best urban renewal president ever, believe me!

The Coward Ryan Zinke

zinke armed

Nice try, but is that your rifle or is that your gun?

by Lance Grider

Montana’s only Congressman, Rep. Ryan Zinke, is such a coward he’s disgusting.

Donald “John” Trump is a draft dodger, a liar, a crook, a scam artist, and a mentally ill racist who wants to plunge America into a race war and that’s why we all love him.

But Congressman Ryan Zinke hides behind being a “Navy SEAL,” as if being a trained killer is something to brag about. Big deal, it really isn’t anything special you know. It doesn’t compare to the experiences of Donald “John” Trump.

Back in the 1970s Donald “John” Trump went to Studio 54 where he put his tiny tiny micro wiener into fabulous international models like Bianca Jagger and Brooke Shields. He risked getting venereal disease from these skanks, but what has Ryan Zinke ever risked with his penis? Has he ever put his health at risk by getting laid? No!

But now Ryan Zinke comes crawling to Donald “John” Trump and begs him to be his leader, it’s pathetic.

Cadet Donald J. Trump

This is the uniform of a real military leader!

Donald “John” Trump has the balls, very tiny balls, below his very tiny penis, to say anything he wants. But when has Ryan Zinke ever talked about his penis? Do you think Ryan Zinke could crack nuts with his nuts? I don’t know, someone should ask him, it might be interesting to see.

Donald “John” Trump was willing to talk to women who could not carry on a normal conversation, like how happy they might be to play with Donald “John” Trump’s tiny tiny penis. Can Ryan Zinke match that? I doubt it, I bet his hero would be a military fraud like John McCain, who got tortured and beaten by the North Vietnamese Communists because he was stupid enough to join the US military. Loser.

But Ryan Zinke is still begging Donald “John” Trump to be his leader.

What a disgrace. What a disgrace to the Montana Republican Party, what a disgrace to Montana. Ryan Zinke should resign. He should resign and go to prison.

The Sick Dogs of Radical Islamic Terrorism

Two years ago, or three major terrorist attacks ago,  I wrote about what I thought motivated most ‘radical Islamic terrorists.’ For the recent atrocity in Orlando, the analysis still fits.

The book that best explains the rise of  “radical Islamic terrorists” wasn’t written 1,400 years ago. It was written 60 years ago by American philosopher Eric Hoffer.sad puppy

The book’s called The True Believer. Written in 1951, this classic text examines how society’s losers are attracted to mass movements. Mass movements allow lost individuals to redefine themselves.

Thanks to believing in a Cause, the loser is no longer a failed rap stara failed cop, or a failed security guard, they’re a mighty warrior. They’re fighting for a Cause. The Cause cleanses them, makes them new and real. They matter.

Are you a failed Viennese painter who has to live on the charity of kindly Jews? Well, Nazism has the key to personal success for you, Herr Hitler! Can’t make it in the movies or radio? Italian Fascism will give you a spiffy new uniform and handsome strut, Signore Mussolini!

The Cause allows a new morality, different from the believer’s old morality, which was what kept them back. Because the Cause has a New Morality, the Only Morality. It allows a “revaluation of all values,” as Crazy Fred Nietzsche might put it. That’s needed because everything today is corrupt and rotten. The whole thing has to be destroyed! “The radical and the reactionary loath the present,” Hoffer wrote.

This is true whether the cause is God (voted most popular), or the Cause is vaguely described as History. Either way, no action is too extreme, no unjustifiable act is unjustifiable. Lying is not lying. Killing is not murder.

After all, my enemy is on the side of the Devil. Lying to the Devil can’t be a bad thing, but a good thing. So when I lie to an Unbeliever I’m actually doing God’s work.

“Today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord,” Hitler wrote at the end of the second chapter in Mein Kampf.

Even the content of the Cause is largely irrelevant, Hoffer argued. Mussolini began as a Communist, then switched sides seeing the fascists were better organized. Hitler started out as a police spy against the Nazis. Stalin took training as an Orthodox Russian Church monk.

Not all mass movements are bad, Hoffer pointed out.  The American Revolution and the Indian Independence movement were also mass movements. So was the Labor Movement, the Women’s Movement, etc.

The sick dogs calling themselves Islamic radicals come from all countries and all walks of life. They are Muslims the same way Donald Trump is a Christian – by race or nationality. The only thing uniting these terrorists is not a sense of religious duty but a sense of inferiority, which they earned.

 

Pumpkinhead becomes NeoNazi man

We’re just telling truth to evil

Pumpkinhead

Pumpkinhead

 

[It was comedian Bill Maher who named the orangeman running for President of the United States on Friday, May 26.]

Who is Pumpkinhead, and why is he in the news so much?

What ensorcellment  allowed this monster to climb forth from his pumpkin patch, sunder his skin of gourd, tear loose the vines of earthblood, sprout legs in mockery of humans, and befoul the world with his incomprehensible words? Which witch is responsible for this? C’mon, spill the beans.

Was it you, Samatha Stevens? Or perhaps your bitter mother, Endorra? Maybe your teenage daughter Tabitha? Long Island Medium Theresa Caputo? Smell a reality show in this? Take off before we drop a house on you all.

Damned be the beldam who cursed mankind with this unkind nest of resentment, racism and lies!

 

And what of his military expertise?

Pumpkinhead craves mortal acclaim. His military expertise was gained in his youth at a toy soldier school. It wa

Cadet Donald J. Trump

His Pumpkinness as a dashing Cadet

s a military style boot camp where rich kids get sent by domineering fathers. The type of poor rich kids Shirley Temple helped out. Pumpkinhead says he got “more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military.”

This will come in handy when he controls the greatest military machine the world has ever seen.  Better than that loser Sen. John McCain, who was loser enough to get caught in the Vietnam War. McCain, ten years older than Pumpkin, spent five years locked in a cage by the Communists.

There McCain endured five years of torture, by fist, boot and hate. He was beaten and tortured to coerce him into denouncing his country, so it could used in propaganda videos. He refused. Not everyone did.

No matter to Pumpkinhead. He’s only a hero because he got caught and suffered. The Pumpkin suffered through two wives who got old, fat and ugly.  He’s got an option on this last one, but so far okay.

Cadet Pumpkinhead's military commanding officer

Cadet Pumpkinhead’s military commanding officer

The Scourge of Bongo Music

From The Perry Mason TV Project

Audrey-Hepburn-and-the-beatniks-in-Funny-Face

Beatniks terrorize anonymous young woman “Audrey H.” with bongo dance

Perry Mason Episode No. 126. The Case of the Missing Melody

IMDb Title: The Scourge of Bongo Music Foretold

Season 5 episode 3

Once again a Perry Mason episode leads the charge in the cultural wars, warning of the perils of bongo music to our Youth.

This episode features another PM appearance by jazzman Bobby Troup, this time playing a Beatnik character named “Bongo” and he smokes cigarettes too, letting them dangle suggestively from his lips. I wonder what that means? And he calls everybody “baby.” Ugh.

Anyway, our heroine, innocent, pure Polly Courtland, played by the luscious Jo Morrow, is beguiled into trying to marry a hipster named Eddie or Eddy King (James Drury, shortly before his ramrod ride as The Virginian). She wisely dodges him, only to be later entangled in the murder of a degenerate musician George Sherwin.  What music do we hear in the background as Polly flees the murder scene? Bongo music of course! Do you need it spelled out for you?

The forces of law and order, in the person of Lt. Tragg, arrest Eddie, who then becomes Perry’s client. There is some confusion as to who was trying to blackmail Polly’s father, a wealthy businessman as always. This should serve as a warning to anyone yearning for ostentatious wealth. You never read about anybody blackmailing poor people do you?

Perry uses one of his favorite tricks on the prosecution by sending a similar, but different, young lady to “test the recollection of a witness.”

“A typical attempt to throw dust in the prosecution’s eyes,” thunders Hamilton Burger. But the liberal judge lets it slide. Why does Mason always get away with this?

There are several traps laid bare for our youth to see in this show. French cigarettes. Young ladies with uncovered heads tossing ‘bones’ with gamblers. Photographs. Fins on automobiles. Walter Burke.

But in the end, the murderer is exactly who you think it should be- someone degraded by years of listening to bongo music. There’s no melody to such trash, hence our episode’s title. If only we had listened, the Vietnam War could have been avoided. We need a president like Perry Mason who will build a wall between decent Americans and bongo music. And make the Beatniks pay for it!

 

Buncha damn Beatniks

Get a job ya buncha damn Beatniks!!

Wittich Blames Bad Deal with Beelzebub for Recent Woes

Bozeman Lawyer Plans to Sue Devil for Contract Violation

wittich

Rep. Art Wittich : Spittin’ mad at his Malevolent Master

 

Former Montana State Senator Art Wittich (R-Belgrade) has publicly criticized Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, for failing to protect him from a recent loss in court that could send him to prison.

“Ten years ago I sold my soul to His Satanic Majesty in exchange for worldly possessions and success. Now what do I get? Shipped off to the hoosegow by twelve Walmart rednecks.”

Wittich referred to a recent decision holding him responsible for violating the state’s anti-dark money campaign finance laws. The decision in early April enraged the Republican ambulance-chaser.

“Montana! A state full of cowturd lovers, drunken hunters and their flabby-assed women. Morons. You can steal them blind if you just tell them you’re setting them ‘free.’

“If it weren’t for my lucrative work with Greg Gianforte blocking the hillbillies from their own state lands and water I’d have hardly any reason to stick around this dump”

Nevertheless, Wittich insisted he would still sue the Devil for breach of contract.

Beelzebub (artists interpretation)

Mr. Beelzebub

“My ascendancy over this state was supposed to be easy. The Prince of Demons and His allies, the Koch and the Wilks boys, assured me it was a done deal.

“We got off to a good start. Look at all the marvelously wicked things we accomplished in the 2010 Montana Legislature. We almost gutted Obamacare. We even undid the Medical marijuana bill passed overwhelmingly by the voters in 2008. Potheads are all Democrats. A Republican sticks to well drinks.”

When asked if he fears repercussions from the Lord of Darkness for filing his lawsuit, Wittich scoffed.

“I already live in hell!”

Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, is on a family vacation with Wall Street Journal owner Rupert Murdoch and could not be reached for comment.

Is There a Case for Witch Burning?

 

witch carrotA concerned citizen, I recently sent this letter to the Billings Gazette. I am hopelessly O.S.:

A witch is coming to Billings, but instead of burning her at the stake as we should, we’re letting her put on a big whoop-de-do show at the Metra.

Teresa Caputo calls herself the Long Island Medium and says she talks to dead people. Now why would you want a job like that?

Anyone who has read their Bible knows the story of Saul and the witch of Endor. It doesn’t end well let me tell you, and concludes ‘suffer not a witch to live.’ So that’s good enough for me. And the avenging wrath of Yahweh.

I wrote my city council members to remind them of our biblical duty to burn witches. I also wrote to the Billings Chamber of Commerce. I suggested a special witch-burning festival to put the Magic City on the map. We could call it “Hey New York City – your Medium is Well Done.”

They all just handed my letters over to the police. They thought I was a nut.

Well I’m not a nut. I’m only a nut about the Bible, yet I get unjustly persecuted whenever I demand more unjust persecutions. The popularity of this kind of sin is what will make Ted Cruz president.

I admit I should know better. After all, our great country started going downhill when we gave women the right to vote. President Ted Cruz will fix that too, brother!

Original Bible Texts Damn Scalia to Hell

Hell is waiting for me, says dead Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

Holy smokes! Hell isn’t up there, realizes dead Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

 

Original Bible texts condemn right-wing activist admits God$

HELL – Denizens of the Netherworld gathered to welcome the soul of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia to eternal torment earlier this year.

The LORD YHWH Almighty™ struck Scalia down unexpectedly last February 13 while he participated in a ritual slaughter sponsored by a mysterious European cult that dates back to the 1600s.

YHWH™ announced that his decision to send Stinky to Gehenna was entirely dependent upon an originalist reading of the texts of the Bible. The 2,000 year-old text clearly points out that anyone who is “insolent, arrogant and boastful … with no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy,” among other numerous infractions, sins and idiosyncracies, deserves the punishment of eternal pain.

“I ought to know, I wrote them,” Godadded.

As an ardent advocate of ‘originalism,’ the supposed doctrine that a law must be interpreted as it was written, the soul of Justice Scalia could only agree.

“I knew better,” chuckled Scalia. “The original text has less meaning than the ‘Spirit of the Law’ as Montesquieu said. I was aware of that – I was one of those know-it-all scholars, after all. I’d read the old 18th century Frog – he wrote one of the founding fathers’ favorite Enlightenment documents! But I spent most of my ‘scholarly’ life as a conservative. We had a funny joke, us conservatives, that the Enlightenment was a commie plot. In the end, I got hoisted by my own petard.”

Sure enough, a demon lurking behind the black-robed jurist shoved a long sharp spear, or petard, through Scalia’s chest.

“Whoops! Look out! Ha ha! Well, that’s what I deserve for hypocrisy! That will teach me not to be wrong. Forever and ever and ever,” Scalia whined, emphasizing his distress by sputtering blood.

Spokesman for Hades, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, was quick to embrace the arrival of his fellow deceiver.

“Even as Mr. Scalia pretended to be an ‘originalist,’ he was actually just a right wing judicial activist,” said the rotted fleshpile of the false preacher who died and went to hell in 2007. “I mean, in District of Columbia vs, Heller, Justice Scalia’s most famous case, he ‘discovered’ a right that no other judge had noticed in 200 years of American jurisprudence. How is changing something that’s stood for 200 years conservative? Hail Satan!”

Falwell referred to the 2008 U.S. Supreme Court decision that declared the right to own guns was explicit in the Second Amendment, even though the opening sentence specifies its intent is to equip militias, a form of national self-defense Americans abandoned after losing the War of 1812. Still, Scalia defended his poor logic and bad law.

Head Demon of Hell Rev. Jerry Falwell

Clown Prince of Hell Rev. Jerry Falwell

“I knew that if you argued its original intent, the amendment clearly means anyone who owns a gun has to show up on the village square twice a month to drill in Gen. von Steuben’s blunderbuss parades. How else do you stop sneak attacks by that damn’d King George III? The real right to bear arms for an individual is found in the 9th and 10th amendments, as the firearms industry and the courts agreed for 200 years. But I was told that by the late 1970s, when the gun industry took over the NRA, they switched to fake Christian literalism.  And literalists sport a boner whenever they see the word “arms.”

So, the decomposing jurist explained, some jiggery-pokery was needed to change it.

“The beauty of ‘originalism’ depends entirely upon whether a judge is weasel enough to say ‘up is down’ or ‘black is white,’” Scalia laughed, patting down his scalp when it exploded into flames. “Whee! Ha ha!”

Leading Republican presidential contender Donald Trump objected to Scalia’s abysmal fate.

“I have to say I think this decision is pathetic. Jesus™ is a complete incompetent as a savior, how else did he get himself crucified? If anyone ever sent my soul to hell I would sue them, I really would. I don’t like people being unfair to me. I have hundreds of good friends who died and were sent to hell, people like Rev. Jerry Falwell. Did they all deserve to go to hell? I don’t know, you’re gonna have to really study that.”

Going Like 60

Cake

By Lance Grider

Today I am 60 years old. Here is all I know. It is my favorite Shakespeare sonnet, number 29. It was recommended to me 30 years ago by my friend Ripley Hugo:

 

When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself, and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featur’d like him, like him with friends possess’d,

Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate;

For thy sweet love remember’d such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings

 

I think Bill Shakespeare is the tops. Seriously – he is at least 50 percent greater than Kanye West. How can life not be worth living when there’s treasure like this just lying around?

I have no other particular wisdom to offer anyone at this time.

NASA Discovers New Home of Space Babes

What the cool new planet discovered by NASA might look like. They're just guessing though.

What the cool new planet discovered by NASA might look like. They’re just guessing.

 

By James T. Kirk, United Federation of Planets Starfleet, Admiral, ret.

 

PASADENA, CA – NASA scientists earlier this year announced discovery of a new planet that may be home to those hot space babes promised back in the 1950s.

Ten times larger than planet earth, the planet’s existence is inferred by mathematical calculations derived from the orbit of the eight planets already on the team roster.

“This new planet, if it exists, is in orbit way, way beyond the solar system, so far away it cannot be seen with the naked eye so don’t be a wise guy and claim you’ve seen it,” warned discoverer Nikolai Einstein, an astronomer for Trump Space Cadet Industries.

The planet, which is yet unnamed, would officially become the solar system’s ninth planet.

“It’s a real planet too, not like that phony, Pluto. It probably has dirt, water, moons and an atmosphere. Life there may be advanced enough to have drive-in restaurants that offer onion rings,” said scientist Carl (not the) Sagan.

NASA scientists have previously speculated a planet-size planet was hidden beyond the Kuiper Belt before only to be proven wrong.

“Okay, so we guessed before and got it wrong. This time we’re pretty sure we’re right,” said Jet Propulsion Laboratory spokeswoman Nyota Uhura, whose fingers were crossed.

NASA further believes that the planet may be home to those fabulous space babes the American space program has been looking for since 1955.

“It’s been an ‘enterprise‘ of ours since 1966,” she added with a wink.

Hot space babes probably know jujitsu or something.