Amoral Narcissist Stuns Nation by Not Shitting on Floor of Congress

The Bone Spur Brigade (Center)

 

The Amoral Narcissist who now inhabits the office of Barack Obama, Ronald Reagan, John F. Kennedy, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, Donald “Jackass” Trump stunned the nation last February 28 when he refrained from unbelting his fashionable bespoke Chinese pants and shitting on the floor of Congress like the bored bonobo monkey he most frequently resembles. Astonished members of Congress were quick to praise the pathological liar and popular vote loser for acting the way normal, decent people always behave.

“I had bet $50 that he would drop trou and squeeze out a tootsie roll in the first minute,” said Paul Ryan (R-McCarthyite Wisconsin), Speaker of the House of Representatives. “I mean, Breitbart.com basically told us that’s what Washington needs. What self-control!”

“I was whelmed,” admitted Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-CSA),. “I thought I spotted his butt-tocks briefly, but it was only Rush Limbaugh greeting Stephen Miller.

Members of the sycophant press were delighted to be asked their shallow, worthless opinions.

“Once again, President Jackass displayed a remarkable unpredictability,” said Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends. “He was amazing. He managed to make it through a whole 88 minutes without insulting a single woman, or grabbing anyone’s vagina, or calling a woman Pocahontas. He hasn’t done any of that for a week now.”

Still, there remain plenty of reasons to be skeptical about any Kafkaesque metamorphosis of our national disgrace.

President Jackass is still an amoral narcissist. He is still a pathological liar. He still cheats children out of their wages. He is still suspected of being secretly owned by Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, as his hidden taxes will reveal.

President Jackass is still completely ignorant of nearly every skill needed to be an effective leader. He just discovered this week that healthcare reform is hard. Who knew that, except for millions of us grown-ups?

Still, he managed to promise $54 billion in expensive and unnecessary spending on a military that no one wants, including the military. He still managed to promise our economy will grow by building walls against trade and peoples, and by arbitrarily imposing special taxes on American companies who defy him. He still managed to encourage Americans to dwell in hatred and fear.

And he still hasn’t apologized to former President Barack Obama for lying about his birth certificate for five years.

All in all, the stink is still in the rug.

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