Cheap Operating Officer, The Cult of Snoopnology
Snoopnology, the science of pseudo-pomposity, was born in the philosophy of Colonel Manfred M. Snoopnagle.
Snoopnology will help you, your family, your community, and even America, to be better people and places. If life has you down, Snoopnology will lift you up.
You’ve tried religion. You’ve tried philosophy. You’ve tried science. They didn’t work. Try Snoopnology instead.
Since the summer of 2013, many people have written, texted, or yelled across traffic at me about the novel Doom of Weirds, a laughable work of fiction written by one Mr. Lance Grider. The Cult of Snoopnology has seen fit not to sue Mr. Grider because a) he wrote a work of fiction and b) because we believe resentment is fruitless. It’s on our business cards. And belief is action. Or in this case, inaction.
But Mr. Grider’s book got many people to ask me: Say, what kind of church is Snoopnology? Why do they want to brainwash me and kidnap my kids? What do they believe? Where are my fries?
Sadly, these folk are misled or misinformed.
Because Snoopnology is not a church. Snoopnology is a cult. We are proud to be a cult. “Cult” after all, is short for culture. The culture of caring, the culture of America, the culture of nurture. So you see, cult is actually a good word that has been hijacked by bad people. But what can’t bad people corrupt? We’re Good People and we’re taking the good meaning of Cult back!
The Cult of Snoopnology doesn’t compel anyone to join or do anything. We just ask you to smile and join the parade!
It’s easy to remember what Snoopnology teaches. All you have to do is remember the word SNIFF: Science, Nature, Intellect, Forgiveness and Faith. Let me expand on each.
Science is the way the Universe works. But Snoopnologists do not worship science. We don’t worship anything, or anybody. Science is the best tool we have to work with the universe.
A scientist by profession, Manfred Snoopnagle recognized the virtue of science. Science is how the world conquered disease. Once upon a time people believed overpopulation would doom the planet because we’d never be able to feed everybody. But science taught us how to make crops grow to feed not just millions, but billions of people.
Science can be used for bad, of course. We’ve all seen those movies. That’s why the Colonel’s followers are always on the march against bad scientists. And bad movies.
So if the science of industry polluted our world, the science of clean can clean it up. Which leads us to our next topic…
We are in, and of, nature. We either live in harmony with nature or we die with it. There are no other planet earths, despite what Star Trek and Star Wars promise. So far, this is it. Maybe someday we will travel to other planets and pay 6 zeltnoks per venti at their Starbucks. But not if we pollute ourselves to death first.
Your brain is your friend. Try to use it every day. Turn off that television, iPhone, FoozBang or whatever gadget you’re “communicating” with and talk to the person next to you. When you do, you’ll see what they want is meaning in their lives. The meaning they’ll get in SNIFF.
It’s in the nature of people to mess things up. I know I have. And making amends to the people I wronged is important. Some people, some religions, think they have a monopoly on forgiveness because they have complex rituals for it. But rituals are a poor substitute for doing.
Do not confuse faith with creed. When most people in America say “I’m a person of faith” they mean they are a Christian. In other countries they might mean they’re a Muslim, a Jew, or a Hindu.
But faith just means believing something when you have proof to the contrary. Doesn’t that contradict the belief in Science one may ask? No. Because life is irrational and science is only a tool, not life. Things happen that have no explanation. Why is there Something instead of Nothing? Herr Leibnitz asked that 400 years ago. Science can’t explain it. Snoopnology doesn’t sweat it.
Here is another “F” word Snoopnologists sometimes use: Fortitude. It means having courage and perseverance. You’ll need that too.
Because we Snoopnologists are persecuted for our beliefs. No one wants to move out of their comfort zone, even when their comfort is violent, sad or meaningless. We don’t resent anyone for that. We can’t. It’s on our bumper stickers.
I know many of you still have doubts about Snoopnology. Feel free to visit your local Snoopnology Outlet. Or, yes, you may even read Mr. Grider’s silly novel Doom of Weirds. One reviewer on Amazon.com described it as “Dr. Seuss for grown-ups.” Who am I to dispute?
I have a personal friend, the famous Congressman Paul Ryan (Republican from Wisconsin). He is an avid reader and he assures me that he keeps a copy of Doom of Weirds in the smallest room in his house and uses it daily. In fact, he tells me he’ll soon be through all the pages. That should be every American’s motto!
So please join us. Join the Cult of Snoopnology and march along in our parade!